Off with the uppers

After so much of reluctance, I have stopped my drugs to stop the black dog from visiting. I have known for some time the drugs don’t stop the visits of the dog. But I was taking it for reasons I can't understand myself fully. Maybe I thought I would alight at the next station- sadly the next station never came. Hope the most useless of emotions never disappoint me. Perhaps I believed that I could find relief soon, but unfortunately, that relief never arrived. I have always been skeptical of hope and its usefulness, as it has often left me disappointed. However, despite my reservations, it seems that hope has been embedded in me over millions of years of evolution.   

So, when the dog came home 2 weeks before- frustration got to me. Without medical advice I stopped taking them. Luckily, I had already been tapering off one of the drugs that could cause withdrawal symptoms, so I did not experience any negative consequences from abruptly discontinuing it. Well, “hopefully”- just does not go away isn't it.    
Anyway, I have learnt to live with the black dog, the constant barking on some nights is just tiring, the vivid dreams, sometimes it takes you to Shangri-La or to PT lectures (you know hell) and you just must go with it. I know this blog is getting more and more incoherent, and then I don’t know why I am writing- so that’s bound to happen.   

If you are having issues with your brain and mood- I offer my hopeful message- It is not going to kill you (probably) but it is going to fuck with your mind and then it is going to show you the recesses of your mind which never knew. It is going to make you appreciate death, suffering and happiness. It is going to make you understand why you don’t have free will. And that gives you an illusion of you have understood. Then you step off the hamster wheel- then you will see you are in another wheel- just a drag- the endless loops - . then the questions stops- There is no why? there is no what if, there is no crutch, just the endless love which is there- then you love to live 

If you are depressed- think about this. People who made PS1 thought they made a good movie and made part 2. We are much better than those idiots. We did not waste money and time doing a worthless piece of shit  

 
 

This is just endless rambling 

so sorry but with love Hariohm