50 years and still dont deserve it

I entered the car, waited for a while, and then curled up in a foetal position, placing my head on my wife's lap and closed my eyes. It took some time for my heart rate to calm down and for my mind to stop shaking. The reason for this was that I had stepped out of my comfort zone by going back to college. Teaching with patients, which I usually don't like doing, went well. I had gone two days without any anxiety attacks.
The day ended with more love, but unfortunately, my inner system couldn't accept it. It was yearning for an escape room. As the day went on and more love was shown, my system couldn't handle it anymore, and I had an anxiety attack when they asked me to cut the cake. I wanted to enjoy the love, but my system wouldn't let me. Maybe I didn't see myself as deserving of it, but I'm not entirely sure. Even after all this time, I still don't understand why my system rejected the love.
Perhaps I need more time before I can interact with people again. Even though it was embarrassing to run away from love, it was my limit. I'm learning more and more about myself. I'm broken in many ways, and I've been denying it, which only makes the cracks worse.
My wife helped me calm down by reminding me to breathe while I was hyperventilating. It was quite a predicament, but luckily, it went away when I fell asleep that night after having a north Indian meal in Karaikudi. It was a shame that they didn't have Karaikudi food where we stayed, and we made fun of them for it. The next day, the wedding went smoothly, and then I ran back home to go to the escape room.
What's next for me? Probably limited social participation. I'm also worried about the suffering of children that I love. It's unlike me to worry about others, but my system is acting strangely. It's telling me, as the Waterboys said, "This is the sea, you idiot, and you are untethered. Hold on to your limbic system."
I know that I might be playing the victim, but I did enjoy the attention. However, my system thinks it's too much.

shut up self

These are the thing i think is what it means not to have a self. The self accumulates a trillion identities and truths.  The self thinks these identities and truth are true- that's a weird sentence. As time goes by it assumes these truths and identities are the same as the self. identifies some truth which it mostly does not have any empirical evidence to say it true. Even if it empirically true why should the self think that is same as the self. I know these are all abstract and everyone keep on telling me- what is wrong with you can you write clearly.

Well, most of us identify self with loved ones. I get angry if someone says something about my wife or my son. Why? that is not me. When they do something spectacular- " I" am more than proud to say "they" are "my"  wife, son student. As though if i was not there they could have not done it. I am the parasite which is happy when the host is happy.
Wider. Most of our self identifies with the school, the college, some teacher- and happy when they are praised as a group. OO you went to IIT, oo your daughter cleared NEET- the self is so happy- as we are part of a elite group of people who did clear those exams. I am proud when my friends chidden clear those exams. That good you might say. You are proud for something you are not part of it- it may be less selfish. well there comes the problem.

The problem comes when "my" people my "creed" is attacked. If i say the PM is doing a bad job ( i know thats the softest i can go) or the CM is just horrible as the last one. I know some of our self is immediately jumping up and down- and saying, " this idiot will criticize everyone" or  " how dare you criticize mudi (no not a typo). well why are you defending someone who is not "you". why is your self offended when i say mudi is useless or the sun tv mafia is that and the earlier one just a joke. Why? we have become the group. we think our group is offended- i need to defend it- otherwise my ego will cry.

Well in recent times- i have understood if you tell the "truth" someone will be offended. Go and tell a person with a self which is stuck with a party, a creed, a god, a religion or a treatment cult- not they are wrong just say something innocuous like- are you sure this is the truth? they will pounce on you. well if you are the person who pounces on that- sorry the self is sticky- very sticky. My groups have gone- my sticky groups i have to kick off. thinking i have done these is making my self happy and me - come on you stupid ego. 

I think if you are not offended when someone "offends" your caste- which is the first thing we need to learn to understand illusory self- the self is on the right path. When i go to marriage from my mothers side the "proud" of being in a caste is so overwhelming you could think they discovered penicillin. When you leave that as a good person once told "u can make fun of my caste i have left it long ago. I think that a guy whose self is going towards being one. 

I should add making fun of my home town- i always thought part of my self- then i found, really no. it is just a town with people and poor waste management. It should not define my self- hence should not get hurt- you see that is what i think happens if the self is a illusion. That does not mean i am going to be quite if someone is acting like a little evil dog- as it does not affect me- we fuck no- but i should be aware i am a not going to change anything.

 

If someone makes fun of your religion- well i dont want to offend your self by actually saying it. get it? If you are defending a book by some bronze age uneducated people needs defence- i am peaty sure that book is not the truth. Truth should shine and make us happy- should not need social media wars or real wars. I slowly need to understand losing self is not going to happen- but i know how far i can go. leave it self- leave it- you will be alright. love everything- hate everything, but dont think thats your self 

leave the group- the self is slightly liberated. leave the group from political parties caste and others- well why is my self telling these things- it need to shut its mouth  

 

sick so some angry, very angry rant

 When i went to trichy I was talking with a friend, one of the dedicated PTs in pediatrics. If it was any other country the man could have been hailed as a innovator in bringing leisure activities in children with disabilities. I usual dont say someone is doing good work- as find in our country if you do your work it is such a outlier people think they should be great, I dont. You can disagree, thats okay.

I met B!@#$ when i went to deliver my yearly lecture in neuro-rehab at my alma matter- what a honor going back to where you read and now say "well all those are wrong".  Any how- every year i go and Bala will invariably come- listen, answer question, not show anything when i say - thats not the right answer. From my personal change- if you are not willing to  get your ego hurt you are not learning- you are in a echo chamber. 

After years- discussions with him- i know it sounds patronizing- but became mature. He was eager and was studying and doing course which most of paeds PTs dont. I mean most of them are idiots who learn NDT and think thats PT- sorry dear that is some wonderfully useless cow urine. He became well versed in classification to to the "f" word in paeds- no no not the f word which came to your mind- f for family. 

This alone is impressive- but as i said i think these are just the basics- i appreciate someone doing it- but thats not still makes you a real PT in my books. Some years back he called me and said he is going to organize cricket for children with cerebral palsy. I was completely floored. What a great idea- what a innovative thinking from the Childs point of view. You know the IITs come up with some innovations and it will be in papers and all- but if you see the project it will mostly be vanity project with zero inputs from patients. But this was a truly proper patient value based activity.

I am not going into the details- you need to talk to him understand the hard work and thinking he put into it. He has a team- so he himself will tell you it is not just him- that again a hall mark of a PT who works for patients. 

Well enough with B!@#, This blog is not about his achievements alone. The problem is with why have none of your heard about any of this. There is a uneducated idiot who teaches NDT and he is treated as some sort of "expert" basically because he learnt and works in white country. Why have you not learnt any thing in cp management which is useful- what you learn in college or in NDT workshop people like asha teach is used toilet paper.

Why dont we in TN call him for lectures and his idea?  Even useless colleges from Madurai to Madras dont invite experts from TN. They want someone who is not from TN and preferably from other state so that they can call it national level seminar or conference.  Then we have colleges like SRMC, savitha, and others who pretend to be a university will never call anyone who does not work in a college. Why? what do you mean why? then he will come and talk and he will not call me to his college- has he has no college- as a expert or as a examiner- he has zero value. Call someone from punjab or mumbai- they will call me back and i can say i was invited to talk- do you think otherwise anyone wants to hear what rubbish i have to say? come on man last time i opened a book  from 1990 and say the last patient when i went to canteen and got a glimpse of the  waiting room.

We have courage less lions, with deep seated insecurity- who dont want to promote anyone from our state- but like the useless women cell of TN call the "president" of the cell to talk and also the whole of IAP conference by the TNIAP- most of the speakers were even good enough to speak in kindergarden school for the hearing impaired.  And then there are the SIP guys- they all come in suit and they all shit like its iap national conference- just the attire is different. Same is true in movies also- just look at the new mani movie- every tamil king looks like he has never seen the son and all the women look like a advert for fair and lovely - but there i can understand mani only concern is money, but we should be more than that.

So have some courage- promote local talent- find people who work for the patient. Not some idiot with a useless certificate. you can put national in anything, dont worry. I know no one will call you as a expert- thats okay dear, we know you are not, you also know it- why do you want it to be known to all the students also. Students - poor students- you are all fucked- nothing is going to change you are going to listen to idiots - o well i completely forgot you are never inside the conference halls and sleep at the CME

 

  

pain as emergence

Pain exemplifies emergence because it is a complex output of the system and cannot be reduced to its elementary parts that cause it. Although reductionism helps in understanding some aspects of pain, it falls short of explaining the whole experience. For instance, people who have been in violent accidents may not lose consciousness and seem to feel no pain, which is a strange way pain arises. 

We know the examples of how people who have been in violent accident. don't lose consciousness and seem to be in no pain.  Search for mannequin hand pain experiment you will see weird way pain arises (you can watch one of it here ) . While we can comprehend some features of emergence, such as the activation of nociceptors and the involvement of chemicals, we are stuck when it comes to understanding how pain emerges in the system and is felt by us. 

Reductionism is a way to study complex systems by examining their subsystems. For example, we can study the nerve endings that are activated by a "painful" stimulus, identify the activated structures (nociceptors), follow the signal pathways, and trace where they end up in the brain cortex. However, this reductionism falls short of providing a complete picture of pain, as it is merely one pathway among many.

Unfortunately, many doctors and physical therapists reduce the complex system of pain to one muscle dysfunction, one tissue issue, or inflammation, thinking they have found the cause. However, this is reductionism of the worst variety, stemming from poor teaching of physiology in exercise therapy. Exercises do not merely change muscle strength, but the whole system from the brain to the endocrine system, resulting in a complex output.

Pain emergence involves numerous indivisible parts, such as central sensitization, nociception, acute changes in pain chemicals, innumerable pathways, inhibitors and excitatory chemicals, the complex psychological state of the patient, and the physical context that alters the biochemistry. Although we can read about these parts in a reductive manner, they are complex systems that are never merely parts, as the philosopher Nagarguna explained.

Therefore, we should never consider parts as causing factors, as they are far more complex. Exercise therapy leads to complex changes and seems to work in many instances of painful conditions. We should discard our exercise therapy books and disregard those who teach rubbish as "clinical reasoning," such as the cup boys and muscle impairment dorks.

Let us embrace the complexity of pain emergence and enjoy it.

What's a strong emergence

 Some more explanation on emergence will be nice- no one said. But as usual i thought why cant i give it anyway. I do love telling people what they absolutely never need or asked for. Well in a way all these blogs are that, but hopefully it amuses some.

From thin air- which we can see we get produce or get water. we might have even observed this when we put a cold glass of water and in sometime viola droplets appear on the outside like magic. You see there is even phase shift- from air to liquid. Is this emergence- apparently not. It is important for us to know this can be deduced - that is the chemical reaction of how this happens. The second reason are the most important reason is emergence is usually reserved for complex systems as simple systems are easy to figure out for scientist 

When we see magic- we see something emerge out of thin air. like money, a beautiful women or even cards which you thought in your mind. When we try to deduce it, it seem impossible, like Jesus turning water into wine or Krishna opening his mouth to show the universe. Well if it is not impossible to produce the end product, to its constituting ingredients- then it is emergence. So a women or the card you thought or the wine cannot come from the materials available isnt it. I mean wine without grapes, women without - well you get the point. But again this is not emergence -as we know these are either perceptual tricks - and well if you still think magic is real- i dont know weather to be jealous of the kid inside you or think whats wrong with your frontal brain.

But sometimes in a complex system it is difficult to see how something emerges.  How did we happen to get friends in FB who we have no way of knowing, geographically divergent, divergent interest and so on. How did a "guru" or televangelist get- that too after be exposed for all the sexual adventures and seemingly childish sermons- difficult to know how the huge following emerged? not really it seems. Unlike us smart people can deduce to some extent how these things emerge- some call them weak emergence. There is a some causal pathways but not perfect. But we will come to understand better when we get more data- like what mark and his mafia are doing with the algorithm in FB.

Well now the only strong emergence according to many philosophers, physicists, biologist and mathematicians is conscious. From the underlying material- the brain tissue- how is it we are developing conscious- the ability to think move and tell our loved ones- you ruined my life. Can materialism failing us? it seems so- i dont have any idea how it is failing us as i am none of the above scholars. But i can imagine the marvel of brain. When i talk i know i am doing it without thinking and sometimes people are amazed with what comes out of my mouth especially children and then sometimes it is so vile people are astonished- all these without much of planning. Only when i am mindful i seem feel like i am planning. No one plans to drive a car it seems to emerge from our brain- where to brake, go faster, slower, look around when something happens without losing control and like  saravanan- driving the car without any awareness of potholes and speed breaker and when we all complain smile sheepishly and reply " hahaha, I did not see". All these emerge and we have the faintest idea how all these happen. That is emergence- a strong emergence- from a complex system of chemical system with so many parts we walk, talk, think - that for now is magic. No explanation is complete clear and able to explain. 

Others like walking on water, showing the universe in the mouth are for children who will believe rajinikanth is a actor, and I am Santa Claus with dyed hair. Children dont have a developed frontal brain.

      

experience

Experience has taught me that every day, I realize how much of an idiot I was the day before. The illusory passage of time, which the brain perceives as experience, constantly reshapes its neural connections, leaving me feeling foolish for my previous ignorance. Despite my belief that I am getting closer to the truth, time always manages to remind me how far I truly am. 

Every day, I realize that I was an idiot the day before, even in instances where objective truth is easy to discern, such as in medicine or physics. The illusory passage of time allows the brain to make changes in its network, making me feel like I was foolish in the past. For example, the other day, I learned about how electricity travels, and I immediately thought about how foolish I was before. I even questioned the quality of education that my physics teacher received. In the early 2000s, I was very confident in my knowledge of stroke rehabilitation, and when I wrote my book, I felt that I was very close to the truth. However, now I realize how naive I was. It's not that my basic premise was wrong, but there is so much more to explore before I can confidently close the book.

If experience does not change us- it is either a seer life or an idiotic life.  If we achieve equanimity i suppose we dont have to change and feel let down by our self. But i am sure we are not going to. If we have given up or our mind is closed with self and have faith- then the brain is fucked up. If you have no feeling for others like many PTs in GH and you think sitting and cleaning the chair you sit in with your ass is important - then well probably you dont need to worry about your brain, you are already in heaven. If you are teacher and your notes are older than your child, or ppt is from website dont worry you are brain is fully developed you have achieved nirvana.

The illusion of time is real for the brain. It has to change as the context keeps on changing. It keeps on looking for ways to keep the person safe. So it is always finding ways to keep you safe, well as i keep on yapping not about finding the truth. So if you are doing the same thing again and again and people think you are working diligently the self will assume you are safe- why should it look for truth or challenge and waste energy. If you do for quite sometime the brain will change in such a way i will be resilient to change so there you go- you have achieved nirvana and the big ape you are have become a tortoise. 

Experience does not make us better- it is just time it can lead us in any random direction. Sometimes that random direction makes useful for others- sometimes for ourselves sometimes a useless tortoise. Of all these experience has a way of making your ego- the self larger and larger, hmm, i had those feeling- what a wonderfully useless feeling. The self is so happy but it is fleeting and you fall down with a thud.

Beware of time and experience is what I think is closure to truth. well as i said, i am pretty sure thats wrong, i will regret writing this. But now it seems closure to truth. The self wants to say this out loud even though it know it will regret it later. 

  love

Hariohm