I am product of big bang

  

As I have grown older, I have come to realize that nothing in my mind truly belongs to me. From my understanding of physical therapy to the way I perceive other individuals, all of my knowledge has been acquired from centuries of evolution. Even the thoughts expressed in this blog are not solely my own, but rather a culmination of ideas that I have read, contemplated, and understood from various sources throughout my life. My ability to write in English is a skill that I learned from my aunt, books, and schooling, all of which were passed down through generations of individuals who acquired knowledge from others before them. This chain of knowledge and learning stretches back to the beginning of time, perhaps even to the Big Bang. Without this cosmic event, there would be no planets, and without the cooling of the Earth, there would be no life. If that first fish had not dragged itself out of the water, if the Neanderthals had not reproduced, if Homo sapiens had not migrated to South India, my thoughts and ideas would be vastly different. It is humbling to consider just how interconnected and interdependent we all are, and how our collective knowledge has evolved over time.

I have come to understand that nothing truly belongs to me, not even the knowledge that I possess or the wealth that I have acquired (for the sake of this discussion, let's assume it's cognitive knowledge). I realize that the reason I was able to acquire this knowledge is because of the opportunities provided to me by my mother, who had an education and a good job. She was able to obtain this education because she was the firstborn in her family, and her parents placed a strong emphasis on education, unlike her siblings who were forced to drop out after only completing 5th grade for various reasons. As for my reading skills, I learned to read English books slightly later in life when I moved into a new house that my mother had built. My new friends, who came from upper-middle-class families with different aspirations and attitudes, introduced me to a reading culture that ranged from classics to silly pulp fiction. This exposure to reading likely helped me to improve my reading skills and, in turn, my understanding of PT. It is clear to me now that everything I have acquired, including my knowledge and wealth, is the result of a complex web of circumstances, opportunities, and people that have shaped my life.

I recall my mother telling me once that I should feel blessed if I am able to read real books in my middle age, not just pulp fiction. Out of all the things my mother told me, this statement stuck with me, and I always wanted to achieve that goal. I often wonder why this statement impacted me so deeply, and why I did not follow through on other things my mother suggested. Perhaps it is because of my Tamil teacher who taught me the Thirukkural, which contains a poem about education and scholars that I still remember to this day. I wonder what it was that made this particular poem stick in my mind, while others did not. Why did I not remember the gods and prayers that I was taught as a child? Why do I view prayer as something childish? The truth is that none of these thoughts or beliefs are truly original. They are all products of the knowledge and experiences that I have accumulated throughout my life, which were borrowed from others. The workings of the human brain are complex, and the reasons for our memories and beliefs are not always clear. Nonetheless, it is important to recognize that we are all products of our environment and that our thoughts and beliefs are influenced by the knowledge and experiences that we have borrowed from others.

Original thinking is fucking hard. Not now or millions of years back. If you have a original thought it should be the greatest think you have done- ever/ 

what does all these mean- My thoughts and beliefs are not truly original, but rather a reflection of the knowledge and experiences that I have borrowed from others. It is important to recognize that the self is an illusion, and that we are all interconnected and influenced by the world around us. While it is tempting to think of ourselves as unique individuals with our own ideas and beliefs, the truth is that we are all products of our environment and the complex interactions that have shaped our lives. By acknowledging this fact, we can begin to see ourselves and others in a more holistic and interconnected way, which can lead to a greater sense of empathy, understanding, and compassion.

  

OMG my sentiment

The notion of hurt sentiments has become a new mantra for many groups, and it seems that almost anything can be deemed offensive these days. In India, it has become common practice to include disclaimers before telling a joke, just in case someone's sentiments are hurt. This seems rather silly given that there are so many pressing issues that demand our attention. For instance, there are 45 million people living below the poverty line in India, and the level of inequality and poverty is shocking. Furthermore, we have criminals and even dacoits in positions of power, yet we are still preoccupied with the idea of hurt sentiments. It's time for us to focus on the real problems that affect our society and work towards creating a more equitable and just world for all.

This has become a pandemic now with the advent of the right wing in all religion- from the Morons of the islam to the idiots of Hinduism- well they are abundant in Christianity also- but they are just waiting for dan brown book to become a useless movie.

Why do we prioritize protecting our sentiments related to caste, religion, and cultural practices over issues that actually affect us, such as corruption and poverty? It is ironic that we get offended and hurt by something as trivial as a joke or criticism, but turn a blind eye to the injustices and inequalities around us. The notion of protecting our caste or religious identity seems to be deeply ingrained in our society, to the extent that it blinds us to the real issues that need to be addressed. We need to shift our focus and start addressing the systemic problems that hinder our progress as a society, instead of getting caught up in the trivial matters that distract us from the real issues at hand.

How did we become a bunch of jokers with no humanity. Everyday some comment is hurting people on social media- really in social media- a media which it seems to abuse people- we are hurt by it. Words hurt but it should not be taken to heart about silly things.  Well what is silly thing- everything is silly if it just affects your sentiment. Every social change from marriage age to education- all is because some one dared to hurt the religious sentiments- just go and read about how marriage age was changed in India and who were crying or how savithribai phule fought to educate the masses.

We need to hurt sentiments to change. I also think you can hurt sentiment just to make fun for a laugh. It is okay. I know the left is also full of cry babies when it comes to hurt sentiments- just a bunch of whinny cry babies. 

It's important to remember that our beliefs and identities are indeed constructs and not inherent truths. However, it's also important to acknowledge that these constructs hold immense power over people's lives and can deeply affect their sense of self and belonging.

As for the hypocrisy of some people who claim to follow a religion of love and then engage in hateful behavior, it's unfortunately a common phenomenon. It's important to hold people accountable for their actions and not let them use their beliefs as an excuse for harm.

Similarly, while free speech is important, it's also important to consider the impact of our words on others and to recognize that speech can perpetuate harm and discrimination. It's a delicate balance between protecting free expression and being mindful of the consequences of our words

 I read this book called unifying Hinduism- ( i do recommend to anyone who wants to understand the rich Indian philosophy and evolution of Hinduism) in that the author writes there were different sects of religious ideas and one of them were pasupaths. They were a fascinating bunch of people, i did some further reading also. The "monks" in that sect would sometimes stand in the middle of the town and talk nonsense- well hurt sentiments , so the towns people could abuse them or even spit on them. This was done to remove the self.

 what a fall!  

Enjoy language - it will not hurt, ideas don't hurt- money hurts Get hurt when it affects us materialistically not just the ego. 

PS- well if you abuse my ideas- i dont have any problem- I dont care about any politician or philosopher, but i do love some of the teachings- they are not mine- i dont get hurt if you abuse or dont agree- it is okay -they are not mine, it is very difficult to have a original thought- all my thoughts are borrowed so..

but if my self is hurt hahhaha 

we all have the same Dukkam

Every day, I realize that I was an idiot the day before, even in instances where objective truth is easy to discern, such as in medicine or physics. The illusory passage of time allows the brain to make changes in its network, making me feel like I was foolish in the past. For example, the other day, I learned about how electricity travels, and I immediately thought about how foolish I was before. I even questioned the quality of education that my physics teacher received. In the early 2000s, I was very confident in my knowledge of stroke rehabilitation, and when I wrote my book, I felt that I was very close to the truth. However, now I realize how naive I was. It's not that my basic premise was wrong, but there is so much more to explore before I can confidently close the book.

One way of looking at our problems is that we all believe our issues are unique. Whether it's a physical ailment like back pain or a personal struggle like family or money issues, we tend to think that our situation is different from others.

In the medical field, patients often believe that their pain is unique and requires a specific treatment. However, even though there may be some outliers, most cases of back pain have average patterns and can be treated in similar ways.

Similarly, in our personal lives, we tend to think our problems are unique. However, Freud believed that most issues stemmed from sex, while J.K. may say that it's our perception of self. Intelligent people understand that our problems are generally the same, and they either fall into the median or have similar underlying causes.

Our perception of self plays a significant role in the problems we face. The self emerges when we are in a particular context, but it's just a collection of memories and other constructs that have developed over time. To change the self, we need to peel away the layers like an onion, which can be a painful process. But, ultimately, it's necessary to overcome our problems.

Depression is a common issue that many people face, and the symptoms can include self-pity and loss of confidence. Although the causes may differ, the underlying problem is often a narcissistic focus on the self.

Changing ourselves is challenging because our biology resists change. It takes months of practice to alter our habits, and our brains may even resist change because it helped us survive in the past.

In the end, we're all human, and our problems are generally the same. The solutions may seem insane, but they're often similar, and we can learn from others who have faced similar challenges.

  

Judging the world

 what colour is the apple is a wonderful story. So, what colour is the apple- red, green- and the child answered white. The teacher thought her, see dear it is either green or red. The child bite it and showed it.

Most of the time it seems our perception is superficial. We never want to really listen or understand. It is also not useful to understand others- it is just a headache if we want to "hate" them. So we never see the real, it is better to see the paint job.

You may ask me - come on you are the king of hating others. Haha- well the colour of the apple is not green or red. But i do judge people- very badly. Some of them i see once i just think they are a ass without any rhyme or reason. I need to change that. I do see people and think how does this idiot sleep without falling down, as he/ she seems to have no brain. Well what a drag to judge people. What a smallness of mind. But that what the self has developed into.

Need to change it. But it takes so much of my energy. You know the whole world has cause and effect- but how do we learn to "effect" - judge- someone without explicitly "causing" anything. Well the conditioned brain has learnt to pick small things which trigger something in the limbic system? and well you know the rest.

well sometimes i do like judging and feeling superior to the poor sucker. Well its fun. Well and many a times they are idiots- how is that for a paradox. well enjoy judging idiots- but remember the one who is judging is a construct of the context, nurture and genetic- so well it is not who is judging. well that has come full circle.

But well i have to reduce my judging of people- but for all the people who know me through social media- i dont hate - i do judge 

Well that thought has not occurred- good

The happiest thing about todays review is -well dont worry it still seems to be under control. No need for mood stabilizers. Thats a relief. Lithium is what i was thinking i may be prescribed. It just makes you thirsty and i usually sweet like a pig, well do pigs sweet, poor things always get stuck in the insult family of animals. By they way they are quite delicious- i recommend crackling and bacon for the uninitiated. Dont worry out of the all the things we do which is against "god" food is nothing to worry.

One of the wonderful things about having a consult is the doctor telling you- its okay. So when she asked- do you - you know have those thoughts. Even in a psychiatrist consultation "suicide" is just a difficult word. So i said- lucky me i dont have them. What a relief- the self is still thinking it is okay- i will still try. How weird it is to think thats the bottom life.

anyway- i should do something valuable with my time. I should probably learn to paint- that seems a thing i might get better if i learn. But like reading, it seems to a sole affair and i think its time- i move to more socializing again. 

So i know i usually dont follow up with advice- this time also it might be the same

any way through in your suggestions other than politics which seems to be tough and you need to remove the brain at home- so no

.  

existential crisis

 I fell better for the last 2 days. Dont have a clue why? The mood swings are back and they are just weird.

I started reading about existential crisis after I saw some European movies of that theme. I could not get it. The whole idea was alien. I always thought life is for living to its fullest- what I think as fullest.  I enjoyed smaller things, from eating out to movies. I thought why could anyone have existential crisis, there is so much to do and enjoy in this world.

Well, depression brings existential crisis and i am unable to shake it off. What am i doing? what's the point of all these? If the self is so muddled, and you remove that the context seems to stand without any meaning. When the context is beautiful what does the self do? 

Learning something- little as i do in many areas which always made me happy- still do, but why am i doing it? Well earlier i used to teach to others hoping it was useful for them- and it also made me happy. Now it all seems a drag? earlier i used to have this motto I learnt from the horrible book - GITA. It is a horrible book but it understands randomness effectively and puts it elegantly so that infantilization of god is easy. It says doing is what you can do, you cant expect the outcome you think you want or assume you will get. Again that book is just evil which says some horrible and evil things which ruined us for a millennia and still will. 

But, even the doing seems to be pointless with or without the outcome. I need to stop that. I need to do , not sure what that is. Welcome to existential crisis 101. 

The circus is back

 anhedonia is back. How naïve of me to think all these are behind me. so the circus in town.  I am so sorry for my wife- she is going to have a tough time dealing with me. Well, lets see how this time I am managing. 

When i was learning about Nagarjunas middle path, I was awestruck by the rationale ability of the man without being a Nihilist.  As you know I like to think of myself as a man who likes to "see" evidence. Of course some one stumped me by asking -well do you have evidence someone loves you. Well Now i know the answer - I have experiential understanding. I know in a ideal world thats not evidence but sadly the conscious itself is a subjective experience hence it is difficult to go objective. 

I know it seems like i am rationalizing, and you may be correct. The problem is the thinking of self is a complex issue. In advaitha from what i understand little- there is this pure conscious- which i can imagine- un spoilt by context, evolution, the viruses which affected us millions of years ago- who are part of our DNA- without its influence - they call it athma- the god. So, the self deep within may be god? Okay if my understanding is correct. I thought it looked childish to see it as god. But i can see the value in it- we can try to behave like god rather than sad sentients. But it seems even the guru who wrote it seems to have not able to do it. He was still a casteist, intellectual bully- well i understand the last part- i do love a intellectual bully- the best of them was Nagarjuna and Hitchens. 

The Buddhist idea of self is little complex and different. They reject the idea of athman or self as you cant find the self. The self it seems is empty. The arguments for these are pretty amazing - in one instance he says okay leave your body out and just enter with your athma, if your athama is self why do you need a body and much more- these are what they call- vidhanda vathum. Well i think this is used as a derogatory term- at least thats how my mother used it when i was talking atheism when i was a kid. Well we all know when you cant answer the questions what people do- they have been doing it for millennia-   calling the person who asks questions - you know 

When i thought of the self- who i was in some simple sense- i used to think i was this sweat to some people, selfish, educated, do no harm to anyone, athletic, happy go lucky guy, who loves to teach- as though i know best. Well where was this self- well i thought it was "in" me- in my genes. Well that is a stupid- it should be in my neural network i thought- when i got older. Well the first thing which the self lost if my athletic and then regained - well when i lost i was still the same and regained some i am still the same.

I lost my love for fun, lost my confidence in my intellect- became worried- I am still the "self". How am i thinking this is still me. Nothing- is the image i see on the mirror. If i lose my face- will i think i am someone else or my self is lost. Is the face my self? Well if the information i process is my self- it seems to be easily perturbed by some simple hormones- so am the hormones? Is my self so fickle that a hormone can change it- with me having no control.

I like the idea the pure conscious is inside all these façade i have built. But if thats god- what the fuck is he inside and doing nothing? Is he that infantile? well it seems emptiness seems to be answer. Please dont take emptiness literally. If you see it clearly we all end up as something good human. Nagarjuna says if we remove everything- you will be ........... I agree, i can see that. But i dont want to go there. I am sure i cant go there. I cant even come closure by a mile to where he wants us to go.

I dont want to be good human- being good is more difficult to live,  I just want my useless self i have built- the arrogance in saying i know more than you, the kindness i can show, the mild bourgeois attitude .

But all these learning and meditation has allowed me to be self aware - i am spiraling - next stop learn to control them effectively without lithium- well I am coming dear lithium- i am coming for you for now.

probably should pray to the gods of dopamine and serotonin.