existential crisis

 I fell better for the last 2 days. Dont have a clue why? The mood swings are back and they are just weird.

I started reading about existential crisis after I saw some European movies of that theme. I could not get it. The whole idea was alien. I always thought life is for living to its fullest- what I think as fullest.  I enjoyed smaller things, from eating out to movies. I thought why could anyone have existential crisis, there is so much to do and enjoy in this world.

Well, depression brings existential crisis and i am unable to shake it off. What am i doing? what's the point of all these? If the self is so muddled, and you remove that the context seems to stand without any meaning. When the context is beautiful what does the self do? 

Learning something- little as i do in many areas which always made me happy- still do, but why am i doing it? Well earlier i used to teach to others hoping it was useful for them- and it also made me happy. Now it all seems a drag? earlier i used to have this motto I learnt from the horrible book - GITA. It is a horrible book but it understands randomness effectively and puts it elegantly so that infantilization of god is easy. It says doing is what you can do, you cant expect the outcome you think you want or assume you will get. Again that book is just evil which says some horrible and evil things which ruined us for a millennia and still will. 

But, even the doing seems to be pointless with or without the outcome. I need to stop that. I need to do , not sure what that is. Welcome to existential crisis 101.