Black dog at the door

The black dog is here since the last 3 days. It is not very ferocious, i don't know why, but it is here. This time it made me realize it loves me so much it is not going to go away whatever I do. Even though i am cat person- cant send away the dog which wants to be with you. Black dog seems to be very loyal.

This time- i was aware he is at the door. The 3 days as usual i had mood swings and feeling of blue. This time the blue the dog brought was lighter- it just makes me gloomy and go quite. This time i was so sure what he wan
ts, and to some extent i was able to starve him. I also learnt to be mindful - which is making things weird and fascinating. 

I could see what is happening to me when the dog wants to plays. The things it brings are always the usual, but to see what it happening to me was a profound. I could feel the mind not wanting, the mind not opening when i meditate. Like a good dog does not want to open the gate (you know as they say of the gate without the gate). I also find it hard to hear the heart sounds- that was really a different feeling when you are sitting quietly in a room. 

The other thing I seem to have adapted is not allowing the dog to pull me in the direction it wants. It usually makes me scream or go completely numb. This time- i was aware I am going numb, I am going to scream- the value of learning to "observe" the thoughts. Still lots to learn to adapt to having a black dog. 

The most confusing thing this time is- i just dont know why but i am freaking sad, just blue when i look inside i cant see the reason- the dog without causal relation just a confusing dog- even if the cause is just a made up construct of my mind

Still long way to go before finding equanimity when the dog is at the door- but hopefully.

Love

Hariohm