Its all empty

 Yesterday was probably one of the worst days in a while- not as bad as the first 2 years -but it was bad. I felt completely defeated. Dont ask me what is my war in which I was defeated, I never had any war or huge asperations- even then I felt defeated. It is a strange feeling. My friend who must be in her edge of patience send me this:

Then in the evening i read a book. I just enjoyed it so much. It seems there are different ways of debating and all the types have a name: basically sustain your point or oppose your oppositions point and sustain yours or the last one- oppose everything- dont have any stance - as there is no stance. We still use that word in Tamil- vidhanda vathum. Basically saying everything is wrong- as there is no stance - in philosophical stance. This great Nagarjuna a Buddhist monk wrote a lot and i just read one of his book- not the complete book- that should take probably 6 months- which is full of why i am wrong. He kicks ass when it come to god and other magical things. He has a wonderful way of refuting everything. He gave a full blown kick in my frontal brain and said ... well something.

Well it felt like- i woke up. But it did not change anything. Went home and meditated- still nothing changed felt so tired and slept- woke up and was astonished with Nagarjuna. Everything is empty. Every thing- why worry. Well sadly serotonins and dopamine did not get that memo. But seems the dog has stepped back. Well, it feels so good when you feel kinship with someone who lived 1400 years back. The universe still seems to defeat me- still feel like she has the upper hand- but at least I know people who lived thousands of years back kicked her and had a full life-  thats a weird statement.

I know this seems to be rambling on and on about nothing- well as l said earlier- these are when i get my degeneration of my mental faculties- to look back. 

Seems like i am waking up my friend at least for now- everything is empty- shuniya everything and that is bliss

https://archive.org/details/nagarjunatwelvegatetreatisehsuehlicheng_891_l/page/82/mode/2up    - this is the book if you want to pull your hair and get your mind blown.