anhedonia is back. How naïve of me to think all these are behind me. so the circus in town. I am so sorry for my wife- she is going to have a tough time dealing with me. Well, lets see how this time I am managing.
When i was learning about Nagarjunas middle path, I was awestruck by the rationale ability of the man without being a Nihilist. As you know I like to think of myself as a man who likes to "see" evidence. Of course some one stumped me by asking -well do you have evidence someone loves you. Well Now i know the answer - I have experiential understanding. I know in a ideal world thats not evidence but sadly the conscious itself is a subjective experience hence it is difficult to go objective.
I know it seems like i am rationalizing, and you may be correct. The problem is the thinking of self is a complex issue. In advaitha from what i understand little- there is this pure conscious- which i can imagine- un spoilt by context, evolution, the viruses which affected us millions of years ago- who are part of our DNA- without its influence - they call it athma- the god. So, the self deep within may be god? Okay if my understanding is correct. I thought it looked childish to see it as god. But i can see the value in it- we can try to behave like god rather than sad sentients. But it seems even the guru who wrote it seems to have not able to do it. He was still a casteist, intellectual bully- well i understand the last part- i do love a intellectual bully- the best of them was Nagarjuna and Hitchens.
The Buddhist idea of self is little complex and different. They reject the idea of athman or self as you cant find the self. The self it seems is empty. The arguments for these are pretty amazing - in one instance he says okay leave your body out and just enter with your athma, if your athama is self why do you need a body and much more- these are what they call- vidhanda vathum. Well i think this is used as a derogatory term- at least thats how my mother used it when i was talking atheism when i was a kid. Well we all know when you cant answer the questions what people do- they have been doing it for millennia- calling the person who asks questions - you know
When i thought of the self- who i was in some simple sense- i used to think i was this sweat to some people, selfish, educated, do no harm to anyone, athletic, happy go lucky guy, who loves to teach- as though i know best. Well where was this self- well i thought it was "in" me- in my genes. Well that is a stupid- it should be in my neural network i thought- when i got older. Well the first thing which the self lost if my athletic and then regained - well when i lost i was still the same and regained some i am still the same.
I lost my love for fun, lost my confidence in my intellect- became worried- I am still the "self". How am i thinking this is still me. Nothing- is the image i see on the mirror. If i lose my face- will i think i am someone else or my self is lost. Is the face my self? Well if the information i process is my self- it seems to be easily perturbed by some simple hormones- so am the hormones? Is my self so fickle that a hormone can change it- with me having no control.
I like the idea the pure conscious is inside all these façade i have built. But if thats god- what the fuck is he inside and doing nothing? Is he that infantile? well it seems emptiness seems to be answer. Please dont take emptiness literally. If you see it clearly we all end up as something good human. Nagarjuna says if we remove everything- you will be ........... I agree, i can see that. But i dont want to go there. I am sure i cant go there. I cant even come closure by a mile to where he wants us to go.
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