Medical literacy: healing

Healing is unique biological property. If you break your bone, skin, your liver, muscle, ligaments, nerves, intestine they all heal. Well within limits. You cant grow back a intestine or new bone. The one organ which does not grow back or has very limited ability is our brain. So, if you break your bone or your skin, ligament, or muscle (within limits) it will heal back. 

    So what's does the physician or surgeon does? or what's the medical management. Well in many cases the broken bones, ligaments, or nerve are kept in the right place. That is the 2 broken parts are kept closure and stopped from moving- I.E the cast. The next is they keep the environment clean so that healing is not impeded. That is keep away infections. In the last 50 years we have learnt and can do keeping the infection of the bay very well. The healing happens by itself- that's biology for you.

    The first lesson is:  in many instances surgery for fracture, helps you reduce the period you have to be in bed. When I went to college- if you have broken your femur (thigh bone) you will be bound to your bed for 8 week sometimes longer. Modern surgeries can allow you to walk maybe from 3-4 weeks. So the cost of hospitalization is tremendously less. The need for round the clock nursing and strain on care givers is reduced. In case of upper limb the jury is still out if surgery is better. Especially for fracture of your wrist if it is not compounded surgery may not add much value.   

    Right! this is not about evidence based ortho surgery. Its about healing. If you do surgery or just a cast- the healing of your bones happens naturally- that period of healing- hastening it cannot be done. We don't have drugs for the ligaments, bones or nerve to grow (faster) 

    Apply the same logic. The IFT, US we give you dont do anything to healing. They happen to by themselves. The drugs you are prescribed dont heal you- they make you comfortable during healing. Some of the drugs are also like ritualistic. They are prescribed to fill the prescription sheet. They may include what is colloquially called sathu mathirai.  They can be your vitamins or calcium if it is done by a ortho surgeons. They are usually B- complex (which you can get it if you eat), Vitamin D (thats the newest nonsense, just pure nonsense) and then there is calcium for any related to muscle or bones. Most of you- i mean nearly everyone who reads this may not need any of these chalk powder. 

    So what does Ultra sound does- well nothing. They are as good as put a mud pack on your dog. IFT can or may produce a small relief in pain- but with a very small and variable half life period. what i mean half life period is the amount of anti- pain producing hormones secreted in your brain to reduce to half it quantity (basically how fast you will get your pain back). 

    What are you blabbering, i had IFT last time and my pain went away after ten days. I had knee pain and had IFT it went away. Well it seems even if you did not have those you could have got better- as it is the nature of the disease. If you had covid in the 3 wave you could remember- if you had gone to a uneducated doctor and he could have prescribed antibiotics for a viral infection (our country is full of these highly amusing fellows who will not study after 12 std where they got 110 out of 100 in all the subjects to get into medical school.) and you could have recovered in 7- 10 days. If you had gone to a properly educated doctor he could have told you eat some soup, take rest and monitor yourself. Then also you could have recovered in 7- 10 days. The only thing you did by going to the doctor is help the bacteria to evolve and become a supervillain.  So that is what a IFT or any other machine does to you- a ritual with little or no effect- while the system heals.

Rubbing the muscles - the so called trigger point, cupping or needling does not heal anything. Again healing happens naturally. They all produce a sensory stimulus which can sometimes produce a pain reduction albeit temporarily. 

  So, what does exercise do for you? Well in one word it helps your change your perception of pain. Most of what you do in our department is not enough to change your strength (most of the time), or anything in the muscle. The pain is perceived in your brain- so exercise sort of relaxes you and makes you less dis-comfortable- whilst the body heals. This is most of the time true- after you had a surgery or just pain. Sometimes we may put you into a vigorous regime of exercise- to increase your strength of your muscles or your lungs and heart ( well the technical term is endurance).   

More medical literacy for patients who attend PT department soon.

Love

Hariohm

    

The pandemic of L4 L5 problem

 It seems something is wrong with L4 and L5. They just seems to be always wanting to go and not stay "in" like good boys and girls. Not only that unlike bad boys and girls they get caught when they go out in the CCTV- either the simple 5 pixel camera or the 1000 pixel satellite camera.

Lets start from the beginning. If you talked to anyone with a back pain in the last 10 years most of them say something like this : I have spondylosis or some will be very specific- I have L4 L5 problem. Some may even add a timeline- i have L4 problem for the last 10 years. As though it is Diabetes or Parkinson's disease. The patients learn this because "we" the uneducated medical community teach that. We also show them in the MRI, as though we have found the black hole and proved Einstein's theory. We should all bow our head in shame for inadvertently ruining a generation of healthy individuals.

Why this is wrong in brief? 

Well the first thing to remember pain is an experience and like any other experience like happiness, sadness, anger cannot be captured in a film (x-ray or MRI) when the cause is not clear. If the cause is clear like "I fell down hard"- it may show in the x-ray as fracture or in the MRI as tear of soft tissue. Some serious pathology like cancer or TB can be visualized in a image. But common low back pain which we all will have on point in time don't have a definitive cause hence may not show in any imaging. They don't show the cause of your pain or source.

Back pains - we don't have the slightest clue how or what causes it. It may sound amazing for many people who think medicine is cutting edge and has evolved so much. Well that's true but many of the precipitating reason or causing reason is not know. We don't know why you get a headache especially if you are not married or have not seen the latest movie from Michael bay or own Atlee (i think thats the untalented wankers name).   We dont know why you get cold. We all think it is because of water- either rain or what you drink or ice cream. we know that is wrong isnt it, We dont know the reason for diabetes to Parkinson's. So it is not uncommon to say- we dont know what is the causal factor. In case of back pain- the answer is WE DONT KNOW.

So it is not caused by L4 L5 or some disc which is out of whack. The idea of all these bones should align perfectly comes from engineering not biology. Look around you, notice how all the living thing look and then look around all the man made non-living things. You might notice, most of the biological systems don't look straight. From the legs to spine, nothing has to be straight or erect. I tell all my patients even the straightest of the trees like coconut trees are never straight. But if a building is crocked like the Pisa tower then it is a marvel. Not for biology.

How can a not straight or erect system be stable?. Well that's the amazing thing which was explained brilliantly by one of the greatest mind ever to live- Charles Darwin. In simple terms the system adapts not the other way around. So when you grow the body adapt to your need, goal and availability. When you start a sport depending on the sport your body will adapt. If you play food ball you grow stronger, with ability to kick harder- irrespective of if you have flat foot, bow knee etc. You may think for football I need a "proper" lower limb", well no it is not. The tree grows in accordance with the sunlight and water not in accordance with the rules of being straight. They adapt- they grow stronger in accordance with the wind. So the system adapts to the need and what it needs to do not just growing "proper" or normal.

    But, Mr. smarty pants I have seen my L4 L5 disc it was out of shape, I have seen the degeneration of the spine joints. The doctor and therapist showed it to me. I am not denying any of that. I am not saying the finding are wrong as an optical illusion. No. These are what we call incidental findings. What are incidental findings? When a doctor orders a test for a reason (to find if we have a particular disease) and then you find another lesion (a problem or disease). These are sometimes very good like you find a small tumor or something which could become life threating later. 

    But many a time incidental findings are over interpreted or just stupidly. When we grow older, all our systems decay. We all have a half life. We are all dying. For us to die our system has to decay. Otherwise as the great Kannadas said there wont be any space if we all keep on living. When the system decays, it also at the same time heals. Again unlike a non-living thing which cannot heal when it decays.

 The decay in the system is accelerated by 100s of factors, but the one factor which is important is "inactivity". Activity makes our system slow down aging. Not the other way around- taking rest does not make you age slow. Aging and decay so visible ,just look at your reflection in the mirror. When you use a powerful mirror- you will see hundreds of changes of ageing or decay. And if you use a powerful rays- then the small changes which are natural are exaggerated and looks abnormal (even though that is a wrong word). So, if you take a x-ray or MRI of people who are in the 30s the spin will look like it has slightly old- with degeneration of  the spine. As you grow older and in the 50 and above they will look like they just came out of the washing machine after 2 hours. Those are normal findings.

I don't know when this will stop. The disc people. the fascia people, the uneven muscle strength people, core people, the x-ray people, the surgery people are not going to change. Patients need be empowered. Hopefully the 5 people who read it become a empowered patient.

So to summarize :  

• We dont know the reason for LBP
• X-ray and MRI for LBP is like testing the purity of gold with a inch scale (that stupid)
• Yes we are the reason - because of greed, stupidity and laziness we have a epidemic of patients who carry a large envelope
• Be a medically literate patient.     

Love

Hariohm

women conference and mansplaining why it is worthless

    There are many things in life which has zero value but we still do it. I can list it, but at this point you are sick and tired of my lists. The top of the list in professional life is conference. Well, lets talk about the women conference I did not attend and have no clue what happened. but anyway let me just take a stab at shitting on it.

    Well, the first point- when majority of the PTs are women, why have a women wing or a conference? Cant we see it is repressive to have a women wing in a women majority organization.  This looks to like pushing the women out of the cricket ground and saying go and play in corner with the dolls. Well if you haven't felt it- fell it. Look at the TNIAP or The central IAP do you see women in majority? why not? Where are the women? ask that question and find ways to bring to them center stage not a sperate kids play area. You may feel I am mansplaining feminism to women. Well i don't care- i don't see any women saying what I am saying so stop complaining and do something.

    what was in the program for a women conference. (I am imaging all this as I have no idea) Well same stereotypical topics: That was extremely sad. When women organize they sadly fell into the same trap - women fitness, some OBY and others is what I mean stereotypical. That was really sad. Why cant you find some young researchers (women) and make them talk on topics which they research?  I know you may point out some topics which fall out of this domain- ehh no please stop.
    Then all the old women were given some sort of "award" or a plaque. I dont know about what happened- but i am sure this could have happened. This should stop. Not being dead before 60 is not a reason to give award. Growing old is not award worthy. You need to have done something otherwise it is all a participation certificate they give out in kindergarten dance program. 

    I also think the women treasurer being the women cell top dog is just wrong, just stupidly wrong. I think this whole thing looks like it is used to promote that women. I still dont know why she is head of the women cell as i always say, who died and made her the pope. Well i know no one has the balls to ask anything to CEC IAP why ask why she is the head of the women cell and treasurer- isnt that a conflict of interest. 

what should have happened: 
    The issues the women face are discrimination, harassments and many others. Teach our members- what are there rights. How to face them legal and in a work place. No one gets maternity holidays and many just leave the profession after that or try to revive after 5 years and struggle. I dont know what is the solution but I am sure someone did if effectively- we can hear from them isnt it.

Promoting women speaker leave alone researchers- i have  not seen. Why is it not promoted? what can be done to promote it? what is the plan? do we have any? can we discuss all these.  

    well i think we should stop this nonsense and have women issues discussed in the national IAP conference not separately. 

The mansplaining was done by

Hariohm with love 

   

Atheism

Dear Varush, 

    We are all bigots in India you me, our cousins, neighbors- everyone. That's our culture. Unlike other things which is imaginary, like "Virunthombal" (that's a Tamil word use google translate), spirituality, hard working, good in maths, or magic people others think Indians are, bigotry is truly in our genes. We love to think in groups not based on interest, ideas  or geography. We are the one of the few billion people in the world who group humans based on imaginary caste in hierarchical manner. And then we think we are a ancient culture which is beautiful, wonderful and everyone should follow us. Just the hypocrisy of it all is just sad.

    As you go into the world people will keep on saying, who sees caste nowadays, reservation is ruining this country and what's your surname. Regarding the surname nonsense: If  you are in some other country and a Indian asks your surname- He/ she has socked in the teaching of caste bigoty - just forgive them they are just that poor humans. alternatively you can tell them to fuck themselves until the evil washes away. Well, who sees caste these days, we are all  (anti -caste warriors) progressive people until a person from other caste wants to marry our girl worse if a "higher caste" (whatever upper or forward caste means) girl wants to marry a Dalit.  This is rampant in the rural side, again you will see people telling you about the virtues of their small village- well if you look closure you will see villages are the hot bed for the thriving casteism and discriminations which is not going to be washed away- as Ambedkar has pointed many years ago- which has hardly changed.   

    Then there are modern idiots who will tell you caste is based on work- well I have one answer for those intelligent people- omg for that revolutionary idea I will recommend you for a Nobel peace prize. I know some of us will say we don't ask our caste among our friends- good for you. 

    Steven Pinker recommended a game to find how bigoted we are all. Just ask among a private party of friends "we are among friends if you want to discriminate who do you want to discriminate" . I am pretty sure, everyone who is not a Dalit will say Dalits. Some may say a religious group from the Abrahamic tradition.  I know esoteric people who might read this blog may think I am not like that- well okay I believe you. But you know the answer.   

If you think this is a Hinduism problem  and look elsewhere- the answer is also not in the Abrahamic religions. People who follow Abrahamic religion are not immune to caste system or theirs is a better system. Like a child those guys think if you are not with me, you are in the wrong path or worse you are in the path of evil. Which looks like a system written by bronze age tribal.  So, as Ambedkar pointed out I think those are also just as divisive like any other 

    See that's why I am a atheist. I hope you become more and more liberal and progressive. As you know my father and mother were from different caste so they were properly kicked out of the house and you know history repeated with I and your mother (also with my brother). So unlike others I don't want to be part of a religion which thinks it is a crime to marry outside your caste. Never forget, Never be part of a group whos evil ways you need to defend, Even if it gives you some small in feeling it has more baggage of useless shit. 

     So what can be done. well I don't know. I used to think as Bharathi said, to remove caste evil, Fall in love. Sadly what I see nowadays people seeing the caste and falling in love- poor Bharathi did not see that coming. What I think you and I should do is, never fall into the pit, talk for the weaker not the privileged  caste. There will always people with privilege who will play the victim card. Don't do that or if someone does it tell them politely as our new India does -go and live in Pakistan.

    But as an individual we can do one thing -treat everyone with the same respect they deserve. Not based on some imaginary caste or religion. we don't have to respect anyone's faith or beliefs, I think respect comes from behavior towards humans not based on how hard your faith is. I also dont buy the argument we should all treat every faith with respect. Why? that is just childish. If i say i have faith in my cell phone should everyone treat me with respect and treat my cell phone with respect.?

    We have not taught you religion even though your mother has some faith in god and all your grand parents. I think these are the reasons. Always ask yourself why do you need a god or religion- the question should never be is there a god. Why do you need a imaginary friend? rely on a real friend. Why do you need to be in a religion which looks at the others as "others". We are all human. 

 

Love

Hariohm

Drinking when your state is dry

     My father was what we call as a chain smoker. He smoked at home, with no regard for second hand smoke. No one knew the word second hand smoke leave alone its effects on others. He used to smoke WIlLS. He always seem to have a packet of it rather than single cigarettes. I never did go to any shop for buying anything, only time I remember is going to the bunk shop in the road opposite to Doak college. It was a Sunday and we had meat at home and after finishing his lunch he reached for his packet. It was empty. In spite of  my mothers resistance and annoyance he asked me can you go to the shop near the bus stop and get me a packet. I remember gingerly walking in the sun and getting him his cigarettes'- that's the 70s for you asking your 7 or 8 year old to get a pack of cigarettes.  

    He took me to GH many a times. If I had leave, as both my parents were working I invariably tagged along with him rather than my mother. My fathers works space was better. As he worked in the x-ray department- it was cleaner and was slightly away from the other departments. When the first built it they should have been aware of the radiation leaking to other departments- so was kept slightly afar. Unlike other departments this was truly a sausage festival. Those guys also had a rest room. It was similar to what you could see in a 50 Hollywood movie. You open it and in the center there was this hanging, sort of focused bright light over a carom board. A wall hanger where most of the men have removed there shirt and hanged it. They were all in there wife beater, either around the carom board or lying on a small couch. It was filled with smoke and there was not a movement of let down. I don't know what these men did in the hospital but they seem to smoke, hang out and play. It was all around a club house inside the hospital. It could be strange for people to think the hospital workers smoked so much in side the hospital. I don't remember my father playing but did smoke heavily and had a jolly time with others. The point is he just smoked all the time. By the way I never thought I have never seen a kid in that room ever, hmm. 

    At the time Ananda Vikudan was a popular Tamil magazine. It was shared among neighbors, as it had some stories, movie reviews and jokes which were popular. In one of the issues in the late seventies, it had a hard hitting article cover story with a macabre photo of a hand coming out of cigarette stubs al a Sevapu Rojakal movie scene. My mother was concerned and pleaded to stop the habit. Well, it worked for 4 days and he went back to his merry ways. 

    Our fridge, which was a luxury item in the 70s had bottles of all sizes with water in it. As you can imagine the need for fridge was not great. No one was storing batter or veggies like now. It was made or brought every day. So, ours had some veggies and most of it was bottles water. These bottles were all- empty whiskey bottles. Drinking in the 70s was a task, The state had prohibition, like now people still think drinking is a vice. Father, like everything in his life- living it large was his life's philosophy. He loved drinking and in a dry state that means you have to be creative. You either find illegally brewed hooch, which was rather dangerous. Not with the police, but the hooch being deadly. The other way was what father did- get a certificate saying your are a addict from a doctor. that was easy for him. He had a group of friends who were not from the GH. They were all from his old neighborhood and they all had different business. Many of them had the certificate also. With the certificate the government issues a permit card- sort of ration card, to buy hard liquor. The rationale being these guys who are addicts are given a small amount which they have to ration everyday. Well all my fathers friends were drinking for fun. So one day they will all meet in one house, drink the whole bottle on that day. One of fathers friend was a big shot, with some connects abroad. Those guys still have a famous Lungi and kerchief brand in Madurai. I think he could get some whisky from abroad. Once they had it in our house, and my father told me- go and play in Kanna and thanni's* (that was his pet name)  house. Came home after sometime to empty bottles and some soft drinks. My father showed me a trick to take the alcohol smell from the bottle. You lit a match and throw it in, the few remaining drops and the vapors in the bottle catch fire- it was a neat trick. 

  

 Love

Hariohm

Why should orthopedic surgeons go back to school?

Hi folks

So, i havent written a rant for long time, so i thought why not today-so here it is, please call me if i have not insulted the group you have belong to or have fun and enjoy   

  As my esoteric audience know I am a great believer in EBM. One of the many things EBM teaches you is just because you have grey hair in your head and naughty regions does not mean you have "truer" knowledge. Please note you do accumulate knowledge as you grow but it is never true as it will always be mixed with biases. no! no! this is not about another rant about biases.

Unlike traditional medicine, EBM needs effort and some real courage (as Dr. Kelso says- balls and girl balls). Courage in medicine is difficult to find. We have only followers of rituals, sycophants, money grabber and much more,but never followers of truth. Prakash keeps on pointing out there are many people who talk about EBM nowadays and may be also implementing it, that is times are changing.

One group of doctors who I see, who have no understanding of biology (school level), patients preference (well most of them don't talk to the patient, so..) or understanding of high school probability, so no idea what the duck is evidence. They are very competent in biological carpentry- because they do "fix"  every poor chap who is wheeled into the consultation room. I am talking about ortho surgeons. 

As noted non of the white coat carpenters- never give the patients the options of surgical and non- surgical treatment ( sometimes if you are a family member and extremely lucky they may). It is because of 2 reasons- one well they are a hammer and they only see nails. ( For that reason I think we need MD in ortho) and 2, I am pretty sure most of them have never seen a SR, or RCT. So they don't have a clue many of the surgeries are as good as conservative management. Well like any good doctor in India I don't have any data for these- but I have confidence so you can assume it is all true-remember like the professionals who came on TV and blabbered during covid without data (so that's that)

  Pray why are you worried about those people. Beyond low level treatment they suggest to the patient and fail to recommend some simple high value treatment- well I have a selfish motive. They ruin physiotherapist in turn ruin patients.  

In health care in India the hierarchy is like this : 

 

so those are the 2 levels of health care in India

So what happens is many of the PTs have to follow the surgeons diktat rather than any science. I dont know when this started- but it started in the late 90s where exercise became a no no in most of cold ortho conditions even though that was the time the evidence started emerging for the value of it. Then came some absolutely criminal advice- dont sit on the ground, dont travel in a bike (I always ask my patient did you ask the doctor will he prescribe the car or he will buy it) dont bend, dont walk, dont climb stairs, this way to the surgical table (if the poor sap had some referred pain in the legs).

I think some of the ortho specialty hospital is buying a huge x-ray machine to keep in the entrance. So everyone who steps in will get a whole body x-ray, which i think can save some time and increase the surgical rate. If you go for consult in a nice shoes and formal shirt or a expensive jewelry - well you sure will get a beautiful selfy of your spine with wonderful pixels you can even see whats wrong with your RNA and DNA. 

I know we all bend ethics, we all take our food from other peoples plate, we are as a country used to being unethical, but this is just sad. Just sad. As i said these advice is parroted by therapist also. If i say something people think i am less educated so i don't know. I did read less than anyone who has gone to medical school, but i read and once in a while use my brain to think. 

I seriously think to change this situation these are my recommendations:

1.   A 4 weeks course on ageing, healing and repair

2. A 4 weeks course on listening to patient

3. 1 year program on cold orthopedics

4. 1 years course on why surgery is not always the answer

5. 10 years course on making them understand patients are humans and PTs do go to college 

6. A 30 days jail term for useless x-rays and other imaging

7. For every back surgery for back pain (without serious neurological symptoms) 10 years

for all the PTs in the GH who after 40 years cant do anything else other than IFT- well nothing you cant grow balls, you are beyond useless. 

Love

K. Hariohm

What's next?

    What's the next step?  where can i go from not falling into fatalistic or nihilistic. Are we doomed by evolution to be seeing the world in a opaque manner. Are we going to be biased, and have poor judgment. Are we all in bound by our conscious and poor free will. Even though evolution has made us poor and seemingly inadequate wet robots, I now see clearly there is a next step. Not some hoity toity spiritual journey in search of mystical powers or deities. No I don't have any requirement for any of those magic or the infantile god. I am clear what we need is rational thinking. Just as much as possible. 

    I know it is not something different from what all humans do. We all try to be rational. As pinker says when you say something to me- you are trying to convince me with an argument- that's rational thinking. It seem we have been rational beings for millions of years. So what different now? what's new? .Well nothing is new, i just think I know i am influenced by biases is clearer to me. All my emotions are fleeting seems to be clearer, these things makes it seems being rational may be, just may be slightly easier. 

    Having convinced myself probably free will is a myth also helps being non-judgmental to certain extent. Don't get me wrong, i still think people should move being more rational and not being stuck in the valley saying, I am what I am.

I am sure part of conscious being is to produce motor movements. I agree with the hypothesis, which also have experimental evidence movements emerge for a context for a particular movement. You hardly have to know how- the movement will emerge. basically you have poor control over your movement emergence. But you can practice and make the movement better- from our walking to writing. Likewise, I seem to be convinced our thoughts emerge, for a context, for a goal. The emergence, I don't think I have any control. But I think I can practice and have some control over it. 

    I was not sure what I wanted to practice, what was the goal of the practice, now it seems being rational. It may be true we want to practice being a good human, a loving human, but i have trouble defining what's a good human. I see, leaders who some considered to be good and others to be the incarnation of pure evil. I see one mans god as another mans demon or Satan, so if gods cannot be good in everyone's book- well you get the idea. It seems being critical thinker is the condition to aspire. 

Well to being a critical thinker I think my influence of affect can be reduced. I suppose being angry, easy to judgmental, tribalism can all can be reduced and i can train myself. The other part of critical thinking- education can be easy to acquire, hopefully than emotions. Hopefully it works.  

    The second part being loving, I think is and seems to be vital. I have never tried to be loving to anyone, i just be. I think most of us are loving when we are with children. They can bring the best in us. Well it brings the best in me. I think that is because intuitively we believe they don't have free will. So it comes naturally to being loving towards them.  Probably I should use the same rationale to being loving towards people I usual hate- you know the idiots who swindle the patients, the ethically malleable spineless toad, the bigot who thinks his caste is superior, the moron who thinks because I told them god is a joke I am going to hell or poor soul, well, the list goes on. Please note I still think of them like that- its just that i should be angry - I should think well he is still human that is all. Why waste time in anger, my anger is not going to change them, but my rational thinking can find a way to make them less vile. You may ask who gave you the right to judge them. They might think you are the horrible person, well it is true. I judge them because it is the ethical thing to do. They judge me because they think it is the ethical thing to do. So no issue. Have I changed- well no, but I am hoping to. Hoping i can. well, I am sure i will in due course of time- well ask me in a year.      

Love 

Hariohm

  

Death and anger

Dear Varush, 

     I cant remember who took me there, but I can remember being in the odd part of Vagai river bank where we my father was cremated the day before. I felt fresh, people were not crying but solemn. I did not know why we were there again at that awful place. I was taken under a shed, where the day before we have cremated my father. Some one moved the ashes and dug up some bones. I think I was told to pour some milk on ashes. I still have a vague idea it is all part of the "death" rituals. 

    We all came home, and there were people everywhere. Some where crying and some where just standing. They have just shaved my head, the day before for the cremation of my father. I was 8 years old and it was April, and my summer holidays have started. I come inside and see my mother tired and exhausted from crying. I went and sat besides her and looked around. I could not recognize any one and could hear people crying. I was sitting there for a while and I could not take it. 

    I suddenly remembered my friends- 2 brothers Kannan and Thani (thats what we all called him)  They lived in a huge house and occupied the whole of the first floor. 

I asked my mother, " Can I go and play with Kannan and Thanni "(they were brothers).

    My mother looked at me and in one of the greatest parenting she ever did said "yes dear". 

I run past our gate and ran into Kanna's house. Enter the door and from the ground floor and call out his name. He peeps through the door and goes inside. I wait there, and then his grandmother who I always thought had those permanent scowl face came out and said, well you have just come from the grave ward you come tomorrow. I came home with a sullen face and my mother consoled me and said you can go latter to play. That I think may be my mother greatest parenting movement I can remember- how weird our mind works. 

    I don't know why it took me many years to forgive that Kanna's grandmother for saying that. I understand why she said it, I also think probably anyone could have said the same- but it took me nearly 42 years to forgive her. What mistake did she make, I don't know, but I just hated that event, indirectly being angry for doing that. I do think it was wrong of me to carry that anger with me for so many years.  

Holding anger does makes us sad, hope you learn from your old man and be the sweet child you are.

Love- its a clique but what's the alternate?

Hariohm

Fathers letters to school

Dear Varush,

    I went to school near my house next to what now is a famers market (ullavar sandai) on the way to your grandmothers house (well our house). It was a primary school in those days, in which i have some wonderful memories. This is about 2 important memories of my father doing what he did best- make people squeal when something happened to his son (me). Not that he came to my rescue when i got into fights with other children. But he was very protective of adults being unreasonable in his mind, towards me.

    The first incident happened when I was in kinder garden. I know you may ask me, how could you remember it, well i don't clearly though but I was reminded again and again by some teacher until I left the school after 5 th std. I remember 2 things about my kindergarten days. One was taking a nap in the afternoon, which was excruciatingly painful we all wanted to play not take a nap. The next was, all the children were giving small round biscuits a small handful as a snack. It was a happy time.  Apparently I was naught one day it seems, not sure what it was, so as a "punishment" I was not given those biscuits. Well the 4 year old went home sad and complained what happened. My father who could write and speak English properly with his PUC education, wrote a letter addressed to my teacher. The letter basically said, I understand my son had done something wrong, for that he should be punished but it seems he was humiliated rather than punished. A child should be not denied his treats (the biscuits),  that too in front of the whole class. The Teacher promptly took the matter to the Head teacher and a apology was issued. hahaha. The poor teacher, I think for no particular reason she had to be reprimanded. When later in life I brought those biscuits and ate them, tasted like wheat and sugar, yuck.

    Well, the second incident is regarding my hair. If I wrote that word "hair" in Tamil, it could sound more funny. I always had sort of unkept and long hair through out the 70s. I suppose, my father whose hair was thinning very early, was having living vicariously through my hair. I remember going to have hair cut near where he grew up somewhere around palace road. I can still remember the double swinging door with bright blue glass etched door. It is the only shop I remember him taking me. Well, anyway, one day when I was in class 2 or 3 (i don't remember), new headteacher, saw me and asked me "why have you not cut your hair". I did not know what to say, so stood there silently. I came home and told, "I need a hair cut". My father asked me quizzically why? I replied,  I was told to cut my hair at school. I went to school with another letter- hahaha. This time addressed to the head teacher. It read something like this: Teach my son, morals and subjects, don't worry about his hair, I will worry about it. Well as you could imagine I think the school did not expect that. After sometime I was called to the head teacher office and was told again, tell your father, we could not interfere in your hair style. My Tamil teacher with a unusual name- Jayakodi, was my mothers friend. And when she meet her some time later laughingly told my mother we are all afraid of your husband at school. Well, I was left alone after that about my unkept hair. Well you can use pop psychology analysis to read into this and assume why still have unkept hair, but that may not be the truth. Its just hair.

Love

Hariohm

The dog named Julie

 More stories and memories for my son

 

Dearest son,  

 

It should be probably 77 or 78 probably my mother could remember the year and months clearly. I don’t know why we got a dog that too an Alsatian. My father brought home the puppy and announced someone gave it as a gift to him. This was the time my mother was transferred to Madras and was living in Madras. As a surprise we called her on the phone and made the dog bark into the mouth piece. I don’t know what my mother thought of having a pet dog but my friends loved it. They were fascinated by it probably, because of the novelty of an Alsatian or the size it grew into. But I am not sure whether I or my mother wanted a dog, come to think of it my father got whatever he wanted and he wanted a dog. 

        The dog was a big hassle. It was a female and when it menstruated like any man my father hated it. It made the house stink- even though it was not allowed inside. Once I remember we returned home and the dog had torn my school bag into pieces. Earlier that day when I returned from school and kept the bag at the entrance itself. The door to our home was what was called a spring gate. The dog was able to reach it from outside and shredded my beloved military bag to pieces. Again he was furious with the dog unlike my mother, who thought it was my fault. He kept on shouting at it for long time for it.  

The other hassle is feeding the dog. The dog needed to be feed meat. Meat in Madurai meant lamb or goat and it was not possible to feed the dog an expensive commodity. I am also not sure whether it was easy to get mutton on weekdays in Madurai in the 70s. So they decided to get beef instead. I am not sure how he did it- but they found a beef guy who will deliver to our home.  

My father for all his liberal views did not think it was clean to cook beef or food for the dog in the kitchen. So a make shift outdoor stove was made by placing three stones. The stove was fired by firewood which was usually not the case in our home.  A separate mud pot was purchased to cook the beef. 2 or 3 days per week the guy will come home with the meat and start cooking the beef and some rice in the same pot. Julie was feed this porridge of rice and beef. 

Even though the dog needed so much attention it also made my father happy.  Like anyone in the 30s my father had suddenly thought of “jogging”. He could wake up in the morning, ask me whether I wanted to join and put Julie on a leash and off we went. We would start from our home and ran up to Jayaraj theatre. I and Julie enjoyed it very much, but for a man in the 30s who smoked like a chimney, I suppose it would have been difficult. So after a few days like many things his life he either got tired or bored and stopped.  

As the dog was a female it bred and had 7 puppies. This was exciting for me but sadly even after my strong protest all of them were given away to different friends of the family. It would have been probably too difficult looking after 7 little Alsatian. One of it was sent to my friend Vicky’s house. My father comes home and says “do you want to visit one of Julie’s little ones”, “yes” I said and off we went to visit it. Vickys house was opposite to the Vadamalayan hospital (actually the bungalow which is now part of the hospital). The bungalow was huge and they had at least 2 grounds of garden in the back. You would see all kinds of birds, animals in neatly arranged huge cages and in one of it was an Alsatian Julie's pup. 

I come home from school as usual and I could not find the Julie. I don’t remember being too attached to it, but was curious. I ask about it and my father said “you know Arun’s father has an estate in Kodaikannal”, I say “yes” even though was not sure whether Arun’s father had any estate.  
“Well the dog has gotten big and it is difficult to maintain it so I send it up there”. I may have been confused if I had not believed him completely. Next day when my friends asked me where was Julie, I was making up stories of how jolly the dog was living in a huge estate- where it can hunt and guard the whole place rather than being in our house. They were very impressed with the idea. When I grew up started hearing “gone live in the farm” was a common way to tell little boys about the dog’s death, I started to doubt the story. Well until this day I have not asked my mother what happened to the dog- was it really sent to Kodikanal or was my father telling some white lies. Really did not matter to me- my truth is Julie lived out rest of her life in an estate in Kodaikannal. 

 

In 2017 I went to Madurai for my cousin's wedding. My uncle wanted to show me a picture- an old black and white picture he had kept safe all those years. What do you know- it was me standing a stretch along trousers with Julie. 

 

PS- As you son we always had cats as pets

Love

Hariohm