The first time I went and informed my Psychiatrist, I am doing Mindfulness, she was happy and told me That has evidence it will help, so keep on. As i have already declared I did mindfulness irregularly and have now doing it regularly. So these are some of the experiences after doing slightly longer and regular meditation for 2 weeks. Some of what are initial understanding, experience and hypothesis
Now sitting with your eyes closed for 5 minutes sounded not only absurd, but also impossible. I was right. I started with 5 minutes as that was the lowest timer i could set in the app. I did read some books before starting the first time. The 2 books which convinced me were- No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering by Thich Nhat Hanh, again a gift from Krishna and the other book is Waking Up Searching for Spirituality Without Religion by sam harris. No mud no lotus is a Buddhist philosophy based book and sam harris book has ideas from Buddhist tradition of meditation and Adhvaitham. As usual my bias was towards looking meditation from non religious manner.
So i started with the simplest method i could learn- it was the simple form of mindfulness. You just sit with your eyes closed- (no need lotus posture or anything- can sit on chair if you want, you cant do it in lying position- which i tried- you might sleep off rather than observe ) and observe your breathing. I could probably observe my breath for 3 breaths before my mind wandered off. he one thing which helped me to keep on trying was Sam Harris analogous. He said it is like walking on a tight rope- your COG will go out you slowly bring it back to your base. So I thought ok- i will keep on trying to refocus on the breathing every time the mind wanders off. The first time i tried i was waiting for the bell. (the bell can denote the end of the session). They also tell you to be non judgmental about yourself when your mind wanders off. Well I did not understand fully what it means. (read on to know what i think it means)
But i dont know, if it was placebo, or just the act of able to sit without moving- it felt good. So, i continued but as i said like a good patient stopped when i got better. I actually got recovered fully. I was off from all my drugs last September. When i got a relapse i took meditation seriously. Read more and wanted to do it regularly.
step one- got a new app (thats not a important thing though no info on that). started with half hour sessions of guided meditation. This time i thought guided meditation was the way to go. They give you info on what to do in the start and in between they guide you on what should be done.
well, this time half hour was not difficult. I was actually did not want to end. (well somedays it felt like it was too long- i those days i actually powered through or stopped based on what i felt like that day).
The first few days were, actually was the best experience i had. Now as i said, i was not falling for the mumbo jumbo and sciency sounding things about these. I was sure i was training my brain not evoking some fancy pants third eye or mystical forces like kumdalini (which sounds rubbish ).
So when the first few days i was doing 1- 2 hours of half hour sessions a day. The first thing first- i added different types of mindfulness- without any rhyme or method. I did learn theory from vipassana, Metta and some others which were part of the mindfulness.
The experience and what did i train:
The first thing I noticed was i was able to "observe" the breath for more seconds and was understanding what is observing meant. My mind wandered off- like always like in every human- but i was able to bring it back, Unlike in 5 or 10 minutes when you sit for 30 minutes you may get lost in your own thoughts without you knowing and forget to observe- either the thought itself or that you need to bring it back to your breathing.
In guided meditation the teacher can remind you if you are lost in thought to bring your observation back to your breathing in a non judgmental manner. probably on the 5 th hour of meditation i was lost in thought and then it hit me and when no effort i brought my COG to the base without me putting much effort. The judgement that i am not paying attention where i have too, the sad feeling you feeling or sometimes the self loathing you feel when you are lost in your thought rather than on your breathing was gone that day. It was the first time when i opened my eyes after half hour i felt euphoric. The mind felt like it had a dry cleaning.
The next thing they taught me was to observe the thought when you mind wanders off from you observing the breathing. I asked my son the other day what happens when observe or aware of a thought- well he said it goes away and you suddenly aware something else has entered your conscious. What it means is if you are mindful even when you are "not meditating" the thoughts go away. You become conscious of emotions- and also understand how to make them disappear.
Well, the important to understand- nothing happens to me if i am meditate. I know the brain ia learning organ. It does not learn anything in 1 hour of meditation unless you put the same into practice. That is where i think -my not trying to find some mythical powers came in handy.
When in real life you use the idea of bringing back your wandering mind to overcome whatever you want to overcome. I learnt to overcome my blues- i observe my blue and it goes away- well it will come back after some time again your observe it- it goes away- and you start learning. I became more attentive to how badly i was treating my loved ones. I could consciously bring back my abrasive idea which floats in and can observe and real it back in (well not all the time). Not all the time is important- it should be years before i can have better control.
I think, the working of the brain without perception is the trick to be learned. Perception brings awareness of all the happiness, pain, and as mick jagger said- i dont get no satisfaction. All these are because of perceiving and well as i know very well perception is always opaque and without rationale most of the time.
There is no goal in meditation. If you are trying to find something or get an experience i think the mind will bring it. well i assume that is not real, the mind can bring anything you desire. sometimes it will not want to bring it to an end. I assume then whats the point of mindfulness if there is no end. So i like the idea there is no goal. you just sit and try to feel the sensations- and observe the mind. When i understood observing it seems natural.
I was also quickly aware all these feeling of euphoria or feeling fresh- like any other emotion is fleeting. Read more and i found Buddha has talked about it in loads, along with only Hindu "guru" i read- Ramana. They all said everything is fleeting if you try to "find" the euphoria, the freshness- well in one word i understood- the system adapts- so your goal post will be moved again and again and you will invariably feel miserable after sitting like a idiot for hours with your eyes closed.
J. K put this more eloquently than anyone else i have read. He had a radical idea- he said it is stupid to close your eyes and meditate and lost in your thoughts- open your eyes- walk and observe (without perceiving). I think that is best thing- but it is difficult to do- i did try. well i also think it is what they ask to do in walking Mindfulness (havent tried it yet may be next year after practicing sitting meditation.
The summary of these unclear rambling:
- meditation helps train the brain
- well if you are trying to find mythical power- good luck
- mindfulness - observe without perceiving- non-judgmental awareness when your mind wanders
- meditation does not translate to real life- if i dont try
- during meditation most of the time is spent on the mind wandering- that seems to be the way of the mind
- well a person who reads and watches TV. eats and reads, when the music is blasting- from my childhood could sit and observe for 45 minutes- you- i mean you dear could do it
- well the last point- my wife and son hate it when i sit in a corner without talking- they do see some visible changes -so thats good. Hopefully it will be long lasting.
more rambling and experience when i experience more
Love
Hariohm
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