meditation - are you kidding me you pseudo atheistic fur ball

 Coping with mental health for me seems difficult. As i said the mind is independent of me - is there a more confusing sentence. Well as your pancreas or your stomach your brain is also independent of  "i". It swims in a myriad of chemicals, has parts as old as when the first single cell organism evolved from the soup.
It took me nearly the first year of the depression may be even more to get a understanding of this. The early stages of depression is a fight against your ego against the self. You believe the self and your thinking is the same. You assume you can control the mind. The more your try to control more it spirals out of control- leading to more frustration and you think- how can i not be able to control myself. This as J.K says- you get stuck in the loop- like all the poor souls on a treadmill. 

Even though i was suggested by Nirmal- i should probably do some sort of meditation. He also suggested some people with too many sri- with a caveat- I know you wont believe it but you can try. Well, who wants to believe a guy who is going to die before me with a white beard like me knows better than me about me. The ego is stronger- which has developed for 45 years at that point- can it change even one of your great friend tell you? it did not. proving me once more change always resisted by the ego and does not allow to see the self.

The mind as you all knows keeps on chattering. It is relentless. The chattering in a depressed brain with poor serotonin and other uppers are just ripe for chatter in a loop. In the early stages the chatter was mostly ego fighting with the self relentlessly probably 18 hours a day. The insomnia does not help- the dreams of the REM stage makes you feel you are not let go even when you sleep.

Right, the limiting chatter of your brain -is to concentrate on something. The chatter reduces- goes away for sometime and then it becomes fretting . Thats good we want our egos emotions to be fretting rather than focused on on thing- in case of depression being unsatisfied ( well not my  adjective- but i am using what The Buddha used.) my adjective is being miserable.

So the first coping other than the drugs which make you help you with the chatter and other form of talk therapy. But sadly everything seems to wane for me. The loop visited me- keeps on visiting me. The first coping i myself took on was reading- my earliest coping mechanism- went back to the known. It did help me. On the eclectic reading list was 2 books which changed my out look and help me move one.

One was gifted to me by Krishan for a teachers day- a hard and a voluminous book from one of my favorite scientist Robert sapolsky- BEHAVE. It is a neurophysiological argument for why we behave in a manner and why we may not have free will. Took me years to finish it- really wonderful book if you are like me dont like philosophical arguments alone for why you dont have free will.
The second book is a small book by a interesting neuro-physiologist and a philosopher Sam Harris. I connected with his ideas faster- because he was a proper meditation expert but without the mumbo jumbo of the childish teachers in places in like Coimbatore and Bangalore. 

started meditation after reading Sam Harris book free will. Read more books on meditation and like everything in my life- did not believe what any of them where saying- was very skeptical. So downloaded a app developed by the VA dept of USA- as it was free and started 5 minutes mindfulness. 

It was just a pain to sit in one place- as the great philosopher vedivelu said- "summa inruthu paru". I usually waited for the bell to ring- denoting the 5  minutes is over. well long behold mindfulness seem to help. Went and discussed with my psychiatrist- she was encouraging. She said it has lots of evidence. 

The first time i went and read about evidence about depression treatment. got fascinated with the neurophysiological changed in people who do mindfulness. The frontal cortex and its connection to limbic system made sense. started doing it with some irregularity - due to laziness, the ego saying what are a idiot you are okay now why are you being quiet. lets started wandering.

Well the loop set in this year again and this time i was more sure- i had no free will. I was more sure, i need to look inside. The context are not going to change, the black dog is here to stay- he is going to be in heat once in a while. 
Started meditation more serious, well it seems in the probability group for whom it works. I do around a hour now. slightly addictive as the ego is talking to itself for most of the time and also when the ego actually concentrates it seems to be freeing. 
I am able to get off the loop easier and am aware i am on the loop.
More about mindfulness when i understand more and if i get to more hours of mindfulness. But if you are like me- with a mind which is prone to depression or depressed- i could suggest mindfulness. have a try - if you dont like it leave it- i still think it may not be good for everyone- reasons i am not fully clear now,
There are many ways to do it- i do love simple mindfulness, vipsana and Metta. I have started with Metta- but i do like it- it can be good for people who have some issues with the ego.



NO no no

Still a person with socialist leaning and thinking god is infantilism 

hahaha

With so much love
Hariohm 

 

The edge.

 One of the things i did not think was not under my control is self worth or self confidence. Even though i have my usual troubles with confidence, i am usually have a better confidence. My confidence and self worth got better in my 30s. probably because i felt i was a okay husband and a good parent. Please note my son still has lots of things to say about me being a parent- some complaints about my poor parenting.

The first thing you lose when you have depression is your measure of self worth. Probably due to reduction in serotonin levels in your brain- again proving the point i did not have free will, as i used to think. The self worth is a fleeting impulse in our self. You dont have to worry about self worth all the time. It is fleeting and sometimes when you fail you need it. If you fail again and it is the self worth in your which holds you steady i pursue.

Depression seems to be a egocentric disease of the mind. It constantly makes you think of yourself. My understanding is sadness is a egocentric state of mind naturally the mind thinks about itself. When you think about yourself constantly some strange things happens. The mind searches into itself and brings the worst regressed part of the memory. The justified part of your life, the justified winning can all be twisted. It twists on itself to make it darker and darker. what i mean darker is egocentric loss of self worth. The second thing is it seem to have some sort of permanence. If we we closely observe we note all our feelings are non permanent and fleeting. after the nth bite the sweet Halwa is not giving the pleasure, the rage you feel when your ego is hurt subsides, rather quickly and surprisingly.  

Rumination was already part of my thinking. I keep on thinking about certain things until i think i have grasp on that. it could be physiotherapy, mise en scene or something. The rumination which helped in, when i got depressed was a curse. The egocentric thinking became rumination about the self relentlessly. It was not the good kind but about the darker themes. This sometimes went hours with insomnia and loss of appetite ( i was hardly eating) it was a wonderful combination of what might be very well be hell.

You start to question every aspect of your life. It started with a simple question- am i worthy of all the love people show towards me. The hopelessness slowly crepes in. You think having positive thoughts will change you- well you listen to your brain not the other way around otherwise why have mental illness. The brain slowly drags you to the worst things you have done in your life. 

Mind you- i was in a cocktail of 4 drugs after a certain point- 3 for upping my mood and a downer for sleep. But still, i cant remember which month- probably 2 years back- most of my timelines and memories are fuzzy. Even with that cocktail- somedays were worse some where stable. What i mean stable is the feelings of self worth was fleeting either way, so less or no rumination. 

Well it all culminated one day- the ego has dragged me into the kitchen and suddenly i was holding the knife to wrist - when i woke up. I do love life- there are 1000s of things i want to do and see- i woke up not by anything just by pure luck i woke. I immediately called my friend and started crying. She was keeping on asking- what happened again and again and I think remember saying to her- say something and keep on talking. After few seconds i told her- i just want to die. Probably could have hit my friend who like me was just the happiest kid when we were in college, happy to do the outrageous think the environment allowed us to do- what happened to that boy?.

Later she told me- she was shocked and did not know what to say- haha- who knows what to say when some one calls you and says they want to die for no apparent reason. Luckily my friend made me calm- i dont know how- i cant actually remember. I was afraid to call my wife not sure at that time why? maybe i did not want to alarm her. 

well i had these suicidal thoughts before that and after that- it was quiet common actually i learn later when you have depression. But i never took the step that close like on that day. The mind is a wonderful thing which can take you to the edge and suddenly realize you still have more people to insult, more people to love, more things to eat, drink, smoke and see.

if you ask me did that in way change my outlook of life- no, i mean a big no. Do i still have it- hmm well not off late. Learnt some methods to be more aware of these. My doctor told me one thing which i like, which i later could connect to lack of free will and non-dualism- " it is the chemicals, not real" 

How true- the chemicals can make you happy, depressed and sometimes take you to the edge. 

My son told me- i write horribly, others have pointed out to the spelling, the grammatical errors and lack of context in what i say. well folks i write it as a cathartic experience- for me so the lack of clarity and reedits. 

If you are like me- if you have gone to the edge remember you are not alone. it is not a sign of weakness, it is nothing to be ashamed, nothing spiritual to take from it- it was a fleeting movement- it has passed like the happiness, sorrow, the greed - it is gone- its the chemicals it has a half life period

with only thing which is non transactional 

Hariohm

no free will so? what should i do

 If you think you have free will- just look into your self and see what you remember about yourself is just what is there not what you want to remember. If you could forget the horrible things which happen can you? why cant we remember the wonderful festivals we had as a child rather remember some mundane things which happened to us?

 When i first realized I dont have free will, it was confusing. What can we do when we hurt someone, or someone hurts you. I usual have a caviler attitude towards -well towards most of the people. I dont have a very friendly attitude, but luckily have some other qualities which i am not sure. I am assuming i have some redeeming qualities because- but i did make some good friends and was very luck with my wife choosing to marry in spite of  world being against her. .

When i got visited by the black dog, I became more intolerable.  I would not talk for days, then shout at my wife and son for no particular reason. Get into quarrel for things which are mundane. Luckily, instinctively, my wife and son got it- especially my wife- that i seem to be spiraling with no control. That is she got it- that i have no free will. For me it took so much of reading, introspection and meditation. How intelligent some people are to get it instinctively. 

So what do you do when people hurt you. people hurt you badly. You assume it is not there fault- there is only one thing to do- love them. One of the things i always have trouble is being understanding and loving. I usual may understand, but i dont love. I just .... well dont love them- well mostly. 

When you have no free will- you do horrible things- then when you feel love- That is the only thing it seems can be done- is to feel the love. The full wrath of my mood swings, the behaving like a ass, the hurtful things i hurled - was fully absorbed by my wife- who also to some extent shielded my son- but sadly i know children know. You feel the love- thats what you want to do- what my wife did.

Luckily, for a person with poor social skills and arrogance- i did make some wonderful relationships. People who stood by me- who helped me realize only one thing in life is without cause and effect- that is love someone when they are an ass. How difficult it is- i am pretty sure i cant do that- even when i know that is what i should be doing- well i am trying- harder i try- more i fail.

Just to make it clear- Priya, and The queen have showed me you dont have to be related- you can still show love without any cause and effect- how lucky should i be.

Trying to loving

Hariohm

  

        

do I have free will?

 One of the questions I have struggled - philosophically is do we have free will. I always thought we had, We choose what to do or think. The arguments for and against are complex and found it to be fascinating.

Scientist like Robert Sapolsky argue it is not. Philosopher and neuroscientist Sam Harris and Indian non-duality philosophy also seem to suggest we may not have free will. without getting deep into the neuroscience or non-duality ( i could suggest any person with a inclination towards god to read non-duality) - it basically says the neuro-chemistry of our brain decides what we do or think, That neuro-chemistry in turn might be a product of millions of years of evolution to other contextual factors which helped in making that chemistry of your brain.

I know it sounds stupid- as we all think, "i" made that choice. I made the choice to drink coffee in the morning, when to start brushing my teeth, what I wanted to say to the person who stepped on me on the bus or not to say and much more.

Well, I have come to agree with Sam Harris and Sapolsky and probably some ideas of non-duality. Just to be clear, i have lots of trouble understanding Non-duality. There is no free will- ideas, thoughts all seem emerge. 

When you suffer from depression you realize the thoughts which come are not what you want. Harder your try to suppress, you realize you don't have free will. You watch a movie- your mind drifts and even though you are bombarded by the visual and auditory signals from your movie- you are dragged into the rabbit hole. Unlike Alice you don't go to wonderland, you end up where your mind wants to take.

You want to be happy your wife is trying her best, you can see you are hurting everyone- you mind keep on pulling you into the rabbit hole, You see your friends trying hard - sadly your are still being pulled into the rabbit hole. you see good in the world, people trying hard to accommodate you, you should be happy, but the mind pulls into into the darker creeks. harder you try harder it is to control.

Again, you cant choose to secrete more or less or change your brains thinking, because we don't know how our mind works. so how do we control. What we don't know, what is not under your control. I don't-  don't have free will, 

Think of it from your own experience- The time you had flooded with testosterones, when you were in love for the first time, the time you were angry- your actions were different, you thinking was different-sadly other times we think we are in control of our brain. 

Please note the actions i have made, the people i have hurt, the loved ones- my son and my wife's suffering cannot be absolved by saying i don't have free will.  That is for another time to discuss. 

This is just to explain to myself, just like your cant control your pancreas or kidneys or your heart- you cant control your brain as hard you may try. I know you say- i have control- i made a choice- that i dont disagree- its just that your brain was developed like that for millions of years. Dont think because you did it, i can do it. I am not you. I weep, i can be rude to anyone, I can love without any reservations, be indifferent to loving people, thinking people are boring especially pretty ones - I bet you cant do any of that.

love

Hariohm

No- homer simpsons this time rather 3 important people

Anhedonia

 One of the symptoms of depression is - Anhedonia. That is the first thing i was educated by my psychiatrist. It basically means you dont get pleasure from things which used to. Moreover you lose interest in things which you used to have.

In my case- people who know me will know- i lost interest in movies and TV. I am huge cinephile, even though lately i dont watch formula movies either assembled in Hollywood or in my home town. When i stopped watching TV- i felt so much time in my hand. So much time. When i got depressed i did not know what to do with my time. The ruminations in the mind which is a horrendous  feature of clinical depression, it pitches a tent and does not move. Sadly as the ruminations is not about times you were happy or had some pleasurable experience- it is about the deepest darkest thing in the brain. It ruminates until you want to dig a hole in your brain and remove it.

The second thing i loved and still the only thing i can do better than anyone is Physiotherapy. Sadly it went for a toss. I stopped talking with prakash about PT- which we do nearly every day. I lost interest  in the puzzles- albeit small puzzles, PT threw at me. More time for rumination, more and more the mind went to the darker places.

You may think deriving pleasure from the morning coffee, the perfected baked fish you cooked, the small high you get when you impressed a pretty girl, the captive audience, the thankfulness in your patients face when they feel better- is all small. It is not- i know because i felt it when i lost it. Smaller things is what makes us happy, the small gestures, the routine- sadly it gets lost in depression.

I dont know how you can make someone with depression get it back, i am not sure it can be. I am saying this so that you get what they go through. dont try to force them, be patient, dont be an ass and feel pity- we all want understanding not pity.

Love

Hariohm

Depression and other disabilities

 I was diagnosed with choric depression and anxiety some years back (5 if i remember correctly). I have tried being open about my symptoms and difficulties it brings about. I should thank my wife to make me come out and be open about it as mental illness.

For quite sometime i started having difficulty in talking to "new" people. It just feels difficult to connect with people.  I have been catastrophizing about seeing people, especially newer people.( sorry what and why i am catastrophizing is between me and my therapist). Anyhow that lead to me stopping from going to Bangalore for some CME and a 2 day workshop. After these happened in the 3 - 2 months back, i thought, i accepted to do one in Chennai itself- a workshop and a one hour talk. Well i would not make that also. 

I am hoping i will be okay in some weeks, as i have accepted to do a talk at the end of this month- hahaha. I know what you are thinking why and who is still calling you after all these. 😏 Well i had accepted this month ends lecture some months back so, i am going to try hard.

All my adult life i have done mostly is talking about PT. It sort of comes easy for me to give lectures- even though lots of people may not like what i deliver or how i deliver. So it is frustrating for me not able to do some stupid lectures on stroke, LBP or EBM. well anyway- that's what i am struggling from.

Even though, i have these nightmare, i am blessed with family, and friends who stand by me. The unanswered phone calls, the constant sleeping, the mood swings, the irrational fear, anger- they have stood by me. I have started again with my meditation which i had stopped, so hoping that will help, probably have to do more, we will see.  

If you are out there struggling with depression, or mental health issues- seek help. nothing to be ashamed of, just like your pancreas has trouble with secreting insulin, you brain is not secreting certain hormones, that is all. 

Hopefully i should write more to create awareness.

Love
Hariohm

can you help me publish

 Happy new year,

One of the common pressure on academic staff is "publishing". Even though none of the colleges or universities have zero infrastructure for research (well even for teaching they dont have so) they want all the teaching staff to publish. well as that number is used to "rank" the universities it seems this is not going to end anytime soon

Luckily we have published some studies in good journals, lot of people think i have some secret sauce. so they ask me to help me in publishing. so this post is about that.

well at the outset i want to say- the question is wrong- you need to ask me how to do a "study". Even for that question i may have little value- as whatever i say your guide may not accept- so it is a waste of both of our time.

But i can tell you the 3 important  steps in publishing in a good journal

1, if you do the study you can publish 

2. if you do the study you can publish

3. if you do the study you can publish.

So that is our secret sauce - nothing more nothing less