Coping with mental health for me seems difficult. As i said the mind is independent of me - is there a more confusing sentence. Well as your pancreas or your stomach your brain is also independent of "i". It swims in a myriad of chemicals, has parts as old as when the first single cell organism evolved from the soup.
It took me nearly the first year of the depression may be even more to get a understanding of this. The early stages of depression is a fight against your ego against the self. You believe the self and your thinking is the same. You assume you can control the mind. The more your try to control more it spirals out of control- leading to more frustration and you think- how can i not be able to control myself. This as J.K says- you get stuck in the loop- like all the poor souls on a treadmill.
Even though i was suggested by Nirmal- i should probably do some sort of meditation. He also suggested some people with too many sri- with a caveat- I know you wont believe it but you can try. Well, who wants to believe a guy who is going to die before me with a white beard like me knows better than me about me. The ego is stronger- which has developed for 45 years at that point- can it change even one of your great friend tell you? it did not. proving me once more change always resisted by the ego and does not allow to see the self.
The mind as you all knows keeps on chattering. It is relentless. The chattering in a depressed brain with poor serotonin and other uppers are just ripe for chatter in a loop. In the early stages the chatter was mostly ego fighting with the self relentlessly probably 18 hours a day. The insomnia does not help- the dreams of the REM stage makes you feel you are not let go even when you sleep.
Right, the limiting chatter of your brain -is to concentrate on something. The chatter reduces- goes away for sometime and then it becomes fretting . Thats good we want our egos emotions to be fretting rather than focused on on thing- in case of depression being unsatisfied ( well not my adjective- but i am using what The Buddha used.) my adjective is being miserable.
So the first coping other than the drugs which make you help you with the chatter and other form of talk therapy. But sadly everything seems to wane for me. The loop visited me- keeps on visiting me. The first coping i myself took on was reading- my earliest coping mechanism- went back to the known. It did help me. On the eclectic reading list was 2 books which changed my out look and help me move one.
One was gifted to me by Krishan for a teachers day- a hard and a voluminous book from one of my favorite scientist Robert sapolsky- BEHAVE. It is a neurophysiological argument for why we behave in a manner and why we may not have free will. Took me years to finish it- really wonderful book if you are like me dont like philosophical arguments alone for why you dont have free will.
The second book is a small book by a interesting neuro-physiologist and a philosopher Sam Harris. I connected with his ideas faster- because he was a proper meditation expert but without the mumbo jumbo of the childish teachers in places in like Coimbatore and Bangalore.
started meditation after reading Sam Harris book free will. Read more books on meditation and like everything in my life- did not believe what any of them where saying- was very skeptical. So downloaded a app developed by the VA dept of USA- as it was free and started 5 minutes mindfulness.
It was just a pain to sit in one place- as the great philosopher vedivelu said- "summa inruthu paru". I usually waited for the bell to ring- denoting the 5 minutes is over. well long behold mindfulness seem to help. Went and discussed with my psychiatrist- she was encouraging. She said it has lots of evidence.
The first time i went and read about evidence about depression treatment. got fascinated with the neurophysiological changed in people who do mindfulness. The frontal cortex and its connection to limbic system made sense. started doing it with some irregularity - due to laziness, the ego saying what are a idiot you are okay now why are you being quiet. lets started wandering.
Well the loop set in this year again and this time i was more sure- i had no free will. I was more sure, i need to look inside. The context are not going to change, the black dog is here to stay- he is going to be in heat once in a while.
Started meditation more serious, well it seems in the probability group for whom it works. I do around a hour now. slightly addictive as the ego is talking to itself for most of the time and also when the ego actually concentrates it seems to be freeing.
I am able to get off the loop easier and am aware i am on the loop.
More about mindfulness when i understand more and if i get to more hours of mindfulness. But if you are like me- with a mind which is prone to depression or depressed- i could suggest mindfulness. have a try - if you dont like it leave it- i still think it may not be good for everyone- reasons i am not fully clear now,
There are many ways to do it- i do love simple mindfulness, vipsana and Metta. I have started with Metta- but i do like it- it can be good for people who have some issues with the ego.
NO no no
Still a person with socialist leaning and thinking god is infantilism
hahaha
With so much love
Hariohm
No comments:
Post a Comment