The edge.

 One of the things i did not think was not under my control is self worth or self confidence. Even though i have my usual troubles with confidence, i am usually have a better confidence. My confidence and self worth got better in my 30s. probably because i felt i was a okay husband and a good parent. Please note my son still has lots of things to say about me being a parent- some complaints about my poor parenting.

The first thing you lose when you have depression is your measure of self worth. Probably due to reduction in serotonin levels in your brain- again proving the point i did not have free will, as i used to think. The self worth is a fleeting impulse in our self. You dont have to worry about self worth all the time. It is fleeting and sometimes when you fail you need it. If you fail again and it is the self worth in your which holds you steady i pursue.

Depression seems to be a egocentric disease of the mind. It constantly makes you think of yourself. My understanding is sadness is a egocentric state of mind naturally the mind thinks about itself. When you think about yourself constantly some strange things happens. The mind searches into itself and brings the worst regressed part of the memory. The justified part of your life, the justified winning can all be twisted. It twists on itself to make it darker and darker. what i mean darker is egocentric loss of self worth. The second thing is it seem to have some sort of permanence. If we we closely observe we note all our feelings are non permanent and fleeting. after the nth bite the sweet Halwa is not giving the pleasure, the rage you feel when your ego is hurt subsides, rather quickly and surprisingly.  

Rumination was already part of my thinking. I keep on thinking about certain things until i think i have grasp on that. it could be physiotherapy, mise en scene or something. The rumination which helped in, when i got depressed was a curse. The egocentric thinking became rumination about the self relentlessly. It was not the good kind but about the darker themes. This sometimes went hours with insomnia and loss of appetite ( i was hardly eating) it was a wonderful combination of what might be very well be hell.

You start to question every aspect of your life. It started with a simple question- am i worthy of all the love people show towards me. The hopelessness slowly crepes in. You think having positive thoughts will change you- well you listen to your brain not the other way around otherwise why have mental illness. The brain slowly drags you to the worst things you have done in your life. 

Mind you- i was in a cocktail of 4 drugs after a certain point- 3 for upping my mood and a downer for sleep. But still, i cant remember which month- probably 2 years back- most of my timelines and memories are fuzzy. Even with that cocktail- somedays were worse some where stable. What i mean stable is the feelings of self worth was fleeting either way, so less or no rumination. 

Well it all culminated one day- the ego has dragged me into the kitchen and suddenly i was holding the knife to wrist - when i woke up. I do love life- there are 1000s of things i want to do and see- i woke up not by anything just by pure luck i woke. I immediately called my friend and started crying. She was keeping on asking- what happened again and again and I think remember saying to her- say something and keep on talking. After few seconds i told her- i just want to die. Probably could have hit my friend who like me was just the happiest kid when we were in college, happy to do the outrageous think the environment allowed us to do- what happened to that boy?.

Later she told me- she was shocked and did not know what to say- haha- who knows what to say when some one calls you and says they want to die for no apparent reason. Luckily my friend made me calm- i dont know how- i cant actually remember. I was afraid to call my wife not sure at that time why? maybe i did not want to alarm her. 

well i had these suicidal thoughts before that and after that- it was quiet common actually i learn later when you have depression. But i never took the step that close like on that day. The mind is a wonderful thing which can take you to the edge and suddenly realize you still have more people to insult, more people to love, more things to eat, drink, smoke and see.

if you ask me did that in way change my outlook of life- no, i mean a big no. Do i still have it- hmm well not off late. Learnt some methods to be more aware of these. My doctor told me one thing which i like, which i later could connect to lack of free will and non-dualism- " it is the chemicals, not real" 

How true- the chemicals can make you happy, depressed and sometimes take you to the edge. 

My son told me- i write horribly, others have pointed out to the spelling, the grammatical errors and lack of context in what i say. well folks i write it as a cathartic experience- for me so the lack of clarity and reedits. 

If you are like me- if you have gone to the edge remember you are not alone. it is not a sign of weakness, it is nothing to be ashamed, nothing spiritual to take from it- it was a fleeting movement- it has passed like the happiness, sorrow, the greed - it is gone- its the chemicals it has a half life period

with only thing which is non transactional 

Hariohm